Parent-Child Harmony

She Won't Listen

by Chuck Adam

The single most common complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.

In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue.  Really, what can you do if you can’t talk something like this through with the other person  (no matter what their age)? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished (called “Teaching Children to Listen”) reported, as they always do, that things started improving almost immediately when they used this “secret” technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too.)

The secret technique for getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.

Here’s why. You have to start with something you can control. Now, you can control what you say and how you say it. And you already know that yelling at her to get her to listen to you doesn't work. So you know you might as well try something else. Now, you can't control her listening, but you can control your own (by keeping your mouth shut, paying attention, and astking questions that invite her to say more).

So, start with what you can control. Now it just so happens that listening is the single

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn: Excerpts from the Introduction

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
(A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline), by Alfie Kohn, 2005

                                           Excerpts from the Introduction

Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children

We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in childlren and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.

Over the last couple of generations, the strategies for trying to produce that result may well have changed. Where kids were once routinely subjected to harsh corporal punishment, they may now be sentenced to time-outs or, perhaps, offered rewards when they obey us. But don’t mistake new means for new ends. The goal continues to be control, even if we secure it with more modern methods.

Long-term Objectives of Parenting

In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”

Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they

Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn: A Review

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
Alfie Kohn, Atria Books, 2005

A Review by Chuck Adam

I was first introduced to Alfie Kohn when I read one of his earlier books, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes (Houghton Mifflin, 1993). The theme of that book was that rewarding people for good behavior is a mistake, because in the long run rewards actually hinder (instead of helping) people do their best. That’s because rewards distract the performer from the intrinsic reward of living and performing responsibly in school and in the workplace. Superficial extrinsic rewards cheapen the work and encourage the performer to do less well by sloughing off once the reward is earned. His ideas struck me as somewhat radical, but they also made an awful lot of sense. Obviously, the same reasoning applies to punishments!

So, when I saw his Unconditional Parenting, I knew it would be thoughtful and challenging. One of the subtitles on the cover calls it “A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline.” It is just that, with a great deal of persuasive thinking, lots of examples, quotations from other authors, and tons of citations to research on parent-child interactions as well as behavioral motivations in children and adults over the past thirty years.

The dominant theme of the book is Kohn’s constant insistence that power and control parenting techniques--that is, bribes, rewards, threats, and punishments (including love withdrawal)--do more than just miss the mark when it comes to raising caring and responsible children. They actually damage kids because they teach, encourage, and fuel children’s resentment, resistance, rebellion, and low self-esteem. These qualities are just the opposite of what almost all parents want to encourage in their children by using power and control methods of discipline.

Anatomy of a Volcanic Eruption

The human being is like a volcano. Eruptions can be very unpleasant, messy, and even violent and dangerous. Parents often interact with children in ways that invite negative behavior. For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under increasing pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

The Volcano Theory

I like to use the volcano as an analogy to represent the human being. It's alive, and beautiful, and when it erupts it can be dangerous and destructive. What we see above ground, a beautiful mountain, represents the body, the behavior, what's on the outside. This is what we see and hear coming from another person. But even more important than that behavior (as unacceptable, defiant, or disrespectful as it might be), is what motivates and determines it. And that motivation is hidden inside, invisible to outsiders. That is where the heat, tension, passion, and pressure are being generated that can erupt in angry and even violent behavior. And it's always two things that motivate and determine all people's behavior, at all times, even young children: thoughts and feelings. These are not directly visible to parents, and parents cannot control them in their children. But too often parents don't deal with them effectively, and they instead focus just on the child's disruptive or disagreeable behavior (e.g., "Stop that right now!" "Do what I told you!" "Go to your room!"). When this happens, they are missing the boat. In fact, they might very possibly be sparking even greater anger (and pain) in the child. They might be thus unwittingly inviting an even more intensely negative behavioral response from the child--just the opposite of what they are trying to achieve in those critical moments before the "volcano" erupts.

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under mounting pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Brief Explanation

I would like to present a framework for thinking about how parents interact with their kids, and how they demonstrate leadership with their kids. I’m going to talk about it in term of roles that parents can take in relation to their children.

There are six roles. Think of a continuum, a line, going from left to right with six boxes right next to each other on the line. At the far left is a parent role which signifies the maximum use of parental authority, power, and control over the child, and the absolute minimum of child exercise of freedom and choice. At the other end is a box representing almost no use of parental authority, power, and control, with complete domination by the child, who exercises total freedom and choice. The child or children are running the entire family, and the parent is in the role of being a servant to the children. Impossible? No, it's rare, but it does happen.

Now let’s look at what the six boxes contain, and how they are labeled. As you probably can guess, I’ll be recommending that parents avoid the ones on the outside ends of the continuum (Old School approaches to parenting), and aim to function within the two roles in the middle of continuum (New School approaches).

1. The Sheriff.

The role on the far left, with absolute domination by the parent, who exercises complete control over the children, and where the children have practically no freedom and choice at all, is the parent in the role of the sheriff. Like the sheriff, the parent feels responsible for their child’s safety, and so the parent makes lots of rules to protect the child, teach the child right from wrong, etc. The children have

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Continuum

Here is how each of the leaders (sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, servant) talks to the person(s) they are leading. Application to how the parent, playing each role, would talk to the child is easily seen. The Old School parenting model (how most of us were raised) favors the sheriff and boss roles. Some Old School parents try to be friends or servants. Most of the tine, these Old School roles are effective, and some are harmful in terms of their effects on children. Much depends on the personality of child and the flexibility of the parent On the other hand, the New School approach to parenting uses the two middle roles almost exclusively (the guide and the consultant), and these roles are far more effective in fostering children who "cair," that is, children who learn and demonstrate cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility.

Please click the following link to download a one-page chart showing the communication style of each role:

Download parent_leadership_rolescontinuum.pdf

I-Messages That Prevent Arguing

Twenty-One I-Messages That Prevent Parent-Child Arguments

Children (and adults) respond favorably to I-messages that are not veiled attacks. I-messages are self-disclosure on your part about what you will or will not do, or what your think, feel, or want. I-messages often feel risky because, as with any form of self-disclosure, you might get “blown off” or even ridiculed. But I-messages are a respectful alternative to arguing and power struggles. Here are some I-messages that can help you avoid arguments and power struggles.

1. “Honey, I’ve decided that I am going to stop arguing with you.”

2. “I think that arguing is not good for you, or for me. It’s not good for our relationship.”

3. “I realize that I can’t control your behavior, so I’m not going to try.”

4. "I know that if you don’t want to cooperate with me, you will not do it. So, I’m not going to try to control your behavior any more, and I’m not going to argue with you to get you to do things.”

5. "I'm getting upset. I need a timeout." (And you, the parent, walk away till you calm down, and can come back and resume a respectful conversation with the child.)

Arguing - 2: When Winning Is Losing (Long Version)

When Winning Is Losing, and Ego Rules the Roost

Merriam Webster (Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition) defines “zero-sum” as follows:

“Of, relating to, or being a situation (as a game or relationship) in which a gain for one side entails a corresponding loss for the other side.”

Another name for this situation is “win-lose.” One side wins, one side loses. Parent-child arguments are zero-sum, or win-lose, situations. Only worse. In parent-child arguments the winner is also a loser. In a tragic way, the parent who stoops to the child’s level of arguing and yelling is by far the bigger loser, even if the parents “wins” that particular battle. How?

The parent’s own personal losses

Arguing is a sign of weakness and helplessness. A parent argues with a child, perhaps even gets all worked up and yells, because they are angry at the child, who holds an opposing view and will not give in. In frustration at the child’s stubbornness, and the willingness to openly resist, the parent ramps up the volume, intensity, and perhaps the severity of a threatened punishment. The parent is already a loser in several ways, even before the outcome is decided.

1. The parent is indeed helpless to “make the child do anything.” Feeling helpless to control or subdue the child is what creates the parent’s anger.
2. By yelling and arguing the parent is losing by trying to do the impossible (namely, make the child do something). They are vainly fighting a child based on a delusion they carry around in their own mind. It’s the delusion of control–that they can, or should be able to, control the child’s behavior.
3. Another way the parent loses in this arguing scenario is that they fail to recognize that what they are attempting to accomplish is impossible. What the parent loses is their own sense of awareness and purpose.
4. The parent fails to recognize that what is motivating their behavior is their own egotistical need to win, not what the child needs for healthy growth.  Thus, the parent “loses consciousness” for a while by putting their ego ahead of the child’s need to learn how to reach difficult agreements.
5. The parent loses face by stooping to the level of the immature child–who doesn’t know how to better handle such a disagreement. By “losing face” I mean the parent actually loses a certain amount of dignity and self-respect.

Losses in the parent-child relationship

The child senses all of this. They know the parent cannot really make them do something. They sense

Arguing - 1: When Winning Is Losing (short version)

The Parent-Child Argument

As a parent, you love and care about your child(ren) so much that you just hate to think of something going wrong to hurt them, whether it would come from some outside source, or from their own actions. So, naturally, you want to do all in your power to help and protect them. And like any good guide, you know the territory they’re in better than they do because you’ve been down many of those paths many times before.

So when your child resists what you say and what you want, or when they drag their heels and dawdle when time is short, you understandably might immediately become upset, and perhaps concerned about their safety or well-being. This can all too easily lead to your insistence that the child accept your point of view, or your demand for some kind of action, only to be met with more resistance and some kind of logical argument, whining, or a very illogical, childish, and immature argument why your idea, request, or demand is not acceptable to them.

Now the stage is set for one of the most non-productive, and, indeed, destructive, parent-child interactions that I know of: the parent-child argument. This is exactly the point when mole hills can become mountains, and mountains become volcanoes, erupting and spewing hot lava in the form of mutual anger, frustration, and resentment. It can even lead to tears, cursing, insults, threats, and other forms of  disrespectful mutual yelling and screaming. As you well know, this is a hurtful, painful experience for both you and your child. It almost always leaves you both feeling resentment and other negative thoughts and feelings.

As a loving parent, you don’t want to be caught up in this situation, yet it happens. And it might happen a lot, especially with that one particularly strong-willed or defiant child.  It might even happen so often that you can almost predict when, or how, or over what issue, or in what circumstances the next explosion will be ignited.

Here's how you can stop the arguments

Here’s my “short course” on parent-child arguing. It’s one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your child. As soon as the argument starts, and you feel the heat starting to build up

Idea Letter #12 (Long Version): The Responsibility Chart Works Wonders

The Responsibility Chart:
A Tool for Blending Old and New School Approaches to Parenting--and getting positive behavioral results from your child

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a New School approach to parenting that differs significantly from the Old School approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. That’s why I recommend that parents use New School methods, which are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

Rationale for the Responsibility Chart

By “Old School” methods I mean parents “laying down the law” by using their authority and parental power to establish rules and consequences governing children’s behavior. The consequences are typically punishments for the child’s unacceptable behavior, such as disobedience or disrespectful words and actions.

The “New School” methods I teach in my parenting classes and coaching rely on a fundamentally different use of parental authority and power: namely, dialogue with children (of all ages) about what acceptable behavior should be and why, and about the implications and ramifications of misbehavior.

Old School methods are based on the “father knows best” principle and the “because I said so” rationale for the parent’s exercise of authority. In contrast, New School methods are based on the principle of dialogue and agreement about right behavior. Old School methods demand obedience. New School methods invite cooperation. Old School methods impose limits and then impose punishments for children’s violations of parents’ rules. New School methods obtain agreements and then demand accountability for children’s breaking of their own agreements. Old School methods are rooted in children’s respect for their parents. New School methods are rooted in parents’ respect for their children. The Old School approach is traced back to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” The New School approach is traced back to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I am finding that parents who work at learning the skill sets I’m teaching (listening, illustrating, and disciplining) are beginning to move away from a total reliance on the Old School methods they learned from their parents, which come so naturally. They are starting to incorporate some new attitudes and techniques that at first feel  unnatural, almost like they’re “giving in” to their children. But they are getting remarkably better results in terms of child behavior. The yelling and arguments stop almost completely. Child resistance starts turning into cooperation. Disrespectful language is noticeably reduced or completely disappears. Children’s openness, trust, and even appreciation start to replace their guardedness, fear, and resentment.

Shared Decision-making

As parents incorporate New School techniques (which eventually become skills), they start sharing decision-making authority with their children by inviting input, asking questions, and coming to agreements about what proper behavior should be, what the child’s chores should be, and what the positive consequences should be, at least  in terms of the “big ticket” items. Of course, there’s a place for negative consequences too–but even these are negotiated with the child. Agreements start replacing rules.

This kind of “experimenting” works fine for parents as long as the child wants to “play ball.” If the resistant or defiant daughter isn’t willing to negotiate her chores and responsibilities, then as a last resort the parent imposes them–-along with negative and also positive consequences.

A Simple Tool

I’m finding that a simple tool works wonders. It helps parents and children negotiate agreements, and when a resistant child refuses to play ball by negotiating, it helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences–-whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the recalcitrant daughter refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting her to give feedback by writing in changes over the next few days, or even a week or two. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Examples

An example of a mother’s use of the chart with a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”) who refused to negotiate with her by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . For your own use, a blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple.

In R’s case, she refused to negotiate, mom’s draft became law, and “R” completely ignored it for more than two months. Mom strictly enforced all consequences. Then one day mom came home and found

This Responsibility Chart Works Wonders (Short Version)

This simple tool works wonders for blending “Old” and “New School” approaches to discipline.

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a “New School” approach to parenting that differs significantly from the “Old School” approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. New School methods are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

However, I’m finding that a simple tool which blends Old and New School approaches works wonders. It helps parents and children of any age negotiate agreements, if they are willing to do so. But when a resistant child refuses to “play ball” by negotiating, this simple tool  helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

A Simple Chart

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences, whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they can come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the child refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting them to give feedback by writing in changes they want to suggest. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Links to Examples

An example of a mother’s entries on the chart for a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be seen and/or downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can see and/or download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”), who refused to negotiate with her, by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . A blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple. And you can use it with young children as well as teenagers.

In R’s case, she completely ignored mom's draft of the chart for two months. Then one day mom came home and found eight garbage bags full of trash that R had cleaned out of her room. The verbal abuse all of a sudden stopped, as did the loud music at night. In T’s case, he ignored mom's draft of the chart for a month, and then handed it back to his mother all marked up with red ink, deleting some things, and rewriting others. They then talked out his suggestions and came to some significant agreements.

Hints for Using It

Here are some hints for using the Responsibility Chart.

Idea Letter #11 (Long Version): New School Parenting--Peter Marshall

Excerpts from Peter Marshall’s 1994 book,  Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young:
How to Survive Your Teenagers–with Wisdom and a Little Humor

CA Note: This is an excellent book on parenting, and although it is written for parents of teenagers,  most of the ideas apply equally well to pre-teens and younger children as well. In this article I have quoted Peter Marshall at length from chapters three and four-–about parenting styles and about democratic parenting. I present my own comments about some of Marshall’s ideas at the end.

I highly recommend this book to all parents of teenagers--and younger children too. I hope the title has not caused parents to pass the book by, because the book is a goldmine of good ideas, and should be available in libraries. It’s a nice blend of Old School and New School parenting, with a pretty strong leaning in the direction of a New School approach.

**************************************************************

Chapter Titles: 1. Looking Back: Our Selective Memories; 2. Growth and Development; 3. Parenting Styles; 4. Can Families Be Democratic? 5. Self-Esteem; 6. Sexuality; 7. School, Work, and Play; 8. Push Comes to Shove; 9. Who Are the Experts? Suggested Reading and Tapes.

CHAPTER THREE: PARENTING STYLES (p. 24-38.)

What is a parenting style?

I doubt that many of us think of ourselves as having adopted a particular style of parenting. We certainly have values and attitudes that are important to us and we incorporate these into our dealings with our children. We have opinions about how much control they should be given and probably have our own way of establishing rules and consequences. Some of our rules come from books and some from remembering how we were raised as children. We borrow ideas from parents we know and we use our creativity to help us develop an approach to family life that seems to fit for us...Psychologists usually refer to only a small number of parenting styles. I have limited myself to four...

Why talk about parenting styles? It is a useful way of focusing on some of the more critical aspects of the approaches or philosophies we bring to family life. Like many parents, I believe, for example, that issues regarding who should be in control, the extent to which family rules are negotiated, and how communication is developed are very important and need to be addressed frequently throughout the course of children’s development. Describing different styles provides a way of highlighting the various ways these issues can be addressed. Each style consists of a set of attitudes and values that will influence the way parents see both their own roles and responsibilities and those of their children. Those attitudes and values will also have a direct influence on how we actually behave towards our children.

Style #1: Authoritarian Style

The authoritarian style of parenting is the one usually held up as an example of what not to do. Authoritarian parents give orders and expect immediate obedience. They set very rigid rules and only they have the right to change them. Their children are supposed to passively follow directions and never question the parents’ right to govern. Should the children dare to question their absolute authority, they are immediately assumed to be rebellious and disrespectful and in urgent need of punishment. Negotiation simply is not a term in the authoritarian parent’s vocabulary.

At this point I suppose I should be slamming the authoritarian style of parenting, listing all the problems it is supposed to cause. I will get to that later, but for now I want to dwell on the merits of being a benign dictator. I can certainly agree that dictators and teenagers rarely enjoy good relationships and

Parenting Teenagers: Recommendations 6-10 for Parents

An important note of caution is in order here. Many of the recommendations I present in my classes, in coaching, and on this site  might sound like I’m recommending that you back down, give in, give up, or in some other way abandon your authority as the teenager’s parent. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these recommendations are about developing in yourself and promoting in your children powerful and profound relationship skills.

Parental authority used to promote “New School” CAIRing relationship skills

These recommendations are “New School” approaches to parenting smarter, not harder. You will not be giving up your parental power or authority by doing any of these things. Instead, you will be exercising

Parenting Teenagers, Recommendations 1-5 for Parents

My experience as a parent educator and coach is teaching me that the way for parents to go is to focus much more on the quality of their relationship with their teens than on the specific–-and often troublesome–-misbehaviors that their teens exhibit.

The relationship is primary.

The parent-child relationship is what matters most. It is far more important than “keeping kids in line” at any  given moment, which can often come at the cost of alienating teenagers from their parents. While teenagers need to be held accountable for their misdeeds, they also need to see their parents as allies, not enemies. I believe parents can do both: hold them accountable while also being perceived as their allies.

This is done by making a shift in emphasis from a) to b), where a) is the natural tendency to 

Parenting Teenagers: Social Trends

Parenting teenagers is harder today than ever before, even for those parents who pretty much "have it all together."  This is in large part due to sweeping social changes over the last 20 years that have profoundly impacted the family in negative ways. In Part One of this article I will identify four of those trends, and describe how they have changed our children, and particularly teenagers.

Four devastating social trends

1). Technology has been pulling children away from their parents. Powerful computers and computer

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #3: Listening, Typical Twelve

Greetings, parents,

Following up on my last letter, I'd like to say a little more about Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents talk to kids, as well as some alternative ways of communicating with a child. (These ideas also apply to communicating with an adult, as well as to all of the "Typical Twelve" methods.) Please see Gordon's wonder book, Parent Effectiveness Training for a rich goldmine of incredibly practical ways of helping children solve problems, think through their challenges, and discipline themselves.)

You might recall that in my last letter I highlighted #5 (lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments) of Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents use in communicating with children. While this is not necessarily a bad way to talk to children (parents obviously have much to teach their chidlren, and they very appropriately do it often), there will be times when the way the child receives such a communication is quite different from the way the parent intends it. The child might feel put down, talked down to, scolded, or offended in some other way, and respond with a negative or angry gesture or comment. The parent's well-intended advice is not only rejected by the child, but it could be the spark that ignites a fiery interchange.

So lecturing, teaching, and using logical arguments with a child, though well-intended, can sometimes

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #2: Tip on Communicating

August 19, 2007

Greetings parents!

I hope things are going well for you and yours. With that in mind, I'm sending you this email in the hopes that it might give you an idea or two about strenthening your relationships with your children--regardless of their age.

In a recent coaching session with a parent, a mother talked about long-standing problems with a daughter who has been angry, mean, and downright nasty toward her. The mother is divorced, and the daughter has regular contact with her father, but mom is the one who always gets "blasted," and not dad.

Situations like this are very common. One parent gets the heat, but the other one doesn't. The parent doesn't know why. There are many possible explanations for this, but here I want to focus for a moment on what a parent can do if s/he is often on the receiving end of a child's disrespctful expressions of anger or aggression.