Parent-Child Harmony

Arguing - 1: When Winning Is Losing (short version)

The Parent-Child Argument

As a parent, you love and care about your child(ren) so much that you just hate to think of something going wrong to hurt them, whether it would come from some outside source, or from their own actions. So, naturally, you want to do all in your power to help and protect them. And like any good guide, you know the territory they’re in better than they do because you’ve been down many of those paths many times before.

So when your child resists what you say and what you want, or when they drag their heels and dawdle when time is short, you understandably might immediately become upset, and perhaps concerned about their safety or well-being. This can all too easily lead to your insistence that the child accept your point of view, or your demand for some kind of action, only to be met with more resistance and some kind of logical argument, whining, or a very illogical, childish, and immature argument why your idea, request, or demand is not acceptable to them.

Now the stage is set for one of the most non-productive, and, indeed, destructive, parent-child interactions that I know of: the parent-child argument. This is exactly the point when mole hills can become mountains, and mountains become volcanoes, erupting and spewing hot lava in the form of mutual anger, frustration, and resentment. It can even lead to tears, cursing, insults, threats, and other forms of  disrespectful mutual yelling and screaming. As you well know, this is a hurtful, painful experience for both you and your child. It almost always leaves you both feeling resentment and other negative thoughts and feelings.

As a loving parent, you don’t want to be caught up in this situation, yet it happens. And it might happen a lot, especially with that one particularly strong-willed or defiant child.  It might even happen so often that you can almost predict when, or how, or over what issue, or in what circumstances the next explosion will be ignited.

Here's how you can stop the arguments

Here’s my “short course” on parent-child arguing. It’s one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your child. As soon as the argument starts, and you feel the heat starting to build up

Idea Letter #12 (Long Version): The Responsibility Chart Works Wonders

The Responsibility Chart:
A Tool for Blending Old and New School Approaches to Parenting--and getting positive behavioral results from your child

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a New School approach to parenting that differs significantly from the Old School approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. That’s why I recommend that parents use New School methods, which are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

Rationale for the Responsibility Chart

By “Old School” methods I mean parents “laying down the law” by using their authority and parental power to establish rules and consequences governing children’s behavior. The consequences are typically punishments for the child’s unacceptable behavior, such as disobedience or disrespectful words and actions.

The “New School” methods I teach in my parenting classes and coaching rely on a fundamentally different use of parental authority and power: namely, dialogue with children (of all ages) about what acceptable behavior should be and why, and about the implications and ramifications of misbehavior.

Old School methods are based on the “father knows best” principle and the “because I said so” rationale for the parent’s exercise of authority. In contrast, New School methods are based on the principle of dialogue and agreement about right behavior. Old School methods demand obedience. New School methods invite cooperation. Old School methods impose limits and then impose punishments for children’s violations of parents’ rules. New School methods obtain agreements and then demand accountability for children’s breaking of their own agreements. Old School methods are rooted in children’s respect for their parents. New School methods are rooted in parents’ respect for their children. The Old School approach is traced back to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” The New School approach is traced back to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I am finding that parents who work at learning the skill sets I’m teaching (listening, illustrating, and disciplining) are beginning to move away from a total reliance on the Old School methods they learned from their parents, which come so naturally. They are starting to incorporate some new attitudes and techniques that at first feel  unnatural, almost like they’re “giving in” to their children. But they are getting remarkably better results in terms of child behavior. The yelling and arguments stop almost completely. Child resistance starts turning into cooperation. Disrespectful language is noticeably reduced or completely disappears. Children’s openness, trust, and even appreciation start to replace their guardedness, fear, and resentment.

Shared Decision-making

As parents incorporate New School techniques (which eventually become skills), they start sharing decision-making authority with their children by inviting input, asking questions, and coming to agreements about what proper behavior should be, what the child’s chores should be, and what the positive consequences should be, at least  in terms of the “big ticket” items. Of course, there’s a place for negative consequences too–but even these are negotiated with the child. Agreements start replacing rules.

This kind of “experimenting” works fine for parents as long as the child wants to “play ball.” If the resistant or defiant daughter isn’t willing to negotiate her chores and responsibilities, then as a last resort the parent imposes them–-along with negative and also positive consequences.

A Simple Tool

I’m finding that a simple tool works wonders. It helps parents and children negotiate agreements, and when a resistant child refuses to play ball by negotiating, it helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences–-whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the recalcitrant daughter refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting her to give feedback by writing in changes over the next few days, or even a week or two. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Examples

An example of a mother’s use of the chart with a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”) who refused to negotiate with her by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . For your own use, a blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple.

In R’s case, she refused to negotiate, mom’s draft became law, and “R” completely ignored it for more than two months. Mom strictly enforced all consequences. Then one day mom came home and found

Idea Letter #11 (Long Version): New School Parenting--Peter Marshall

Excerpts from Peter Marshall’s 1994 book,  Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young:
How to Survive Your Teenagers–with Wisdom and a Little Humor

CA Note: This is an excellent book on parenting, and although it is written for parents of teenagers,  most of the ideas apply equally well to pre-teens and younger children as well. In this article I have quoted Peter Marshall at length from chapters three and four-–about parenting styles and about democratic parenting. I present my own comments about some of Marshall’s ideas at the end.

I highly recommend this book to all parents of teenagers--and younger children too. I hope the title has not caused parents to pass the book by, because the book is a goldmine of good ideas, and should be available in libraries. It’s a nice blend of Old School and New School parenting, with a pretty strong leaning in the direction of a New School approach.

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Chapter Titles: 1. Looking Back: Our Selective Memories; 2. Growth and Development; 3. Parenting Styles; 4. Can Families Be Democratic? 5. Self-Esteem; 6. Sexuality; 7. School, Work, and Play; 8. Push Comes to Shove; 9. Who Are the Experts? Suggested Reading and Tapes.

CHAPTER THREE: PARENTING STYLES (p. 24-38.)

What is a parenting style?

I doubt that many of us think of ourselves as having adopted a particular style of parenting. We certainly have values and attitudes that are important to us and we incorporate these into our dealings with our children. We have opinions about how much control they should be given and probably have our own way of establishing rules and consequences. Some of our rules come from books and some from remembering how we were raised as children. We borrow ideas from parents we know and we use our creativity to help us develop an approach to family life that seems to fit for us...Psychologists usually refer to only a small number of parenting styles. I have limited myself to four...

Why talk about parenting styles? It is a useful way of focusing on some of the more critical aspects of the approaches or philosophies we bring to family life. Like many parents, I believe, for example, that issues regarding who should be in control, the extent to which family rules are negotiated, and how communication is developed are very important and need to be addressed frequently throughout the course of children’s development. Describing different styles provides a way of highlighting the various ways these issues can be addressed. Each style consists of a set of attitudes and values that will influence the way parents see both their own roles and responsibilities and those of their children. Those attitudes and values will also have a direct influence on how we actually behave towards our children.

Style #1: Authoritarian Style

The authoritarian style of parenting is the one usually held up as an example of what not to do. Authoritarian parents give orders and expect immediate obedience. They set very rigid rules and only they have the right to change them. Their children are supposed to passively follow directions and never question the parents’ right to govern. Should the children dare to question their absolute authority, they are immediately assumed to be rebellious and disrespectful and in urgent need of punishment. Negotiation simply is not a term in the authoritarian parent’s vocabulary.

At this point I suppose I should be slamming the authoritarian style of parenting, listing all the problems it is supposed to cause. I will get to that later, but for now I want to dwell on the merits of being a benign dictator. I can certainly agree that dictators and teenagers rarely enjoy good relationships and

Idea Letter#10 (long version) Old School Discipline--John Rosemond

Greetings parents,

I’ve been thinking about discipline a lot lately–partly because I’m currently teaching a course on disciplining children at Parents Place.

But in addition I’ve also been reading a very interesting book by John Rosemond called The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy, Children. He’s a psychologist who has been around a while, who says he doesn’t believe in psychology, who has done a lot of work with parents, and who has published numerous other books, including: Teen-Proofing; Because I Said So!; Parent Power: A Common-Sense Approach to Parenting in the 90's and Beyond; John Rosemond’s New Parent Power; and others.

Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan

Here are the chapter headings of his six-point plan: 1) The Parent-Centered Family; 2) The Voice of Authority; 3) The Roots of Responsibility; 4) The Fruits of Frustration (the child’s frustration–CA); 5) Toys and Play–The Right Stuff; and 6) Television, Computers, and Video Games–More Than Meets the Eye. Point number seven is Love ‘Em Enough to Do the First Six! He also presents, in an afterword, Rosemond’s Bill of Rights for Children, which are, essentially, that children have the right to be bossed around by their parents.

Although I have some serious differences with John Rosemond's tough approach to parenting, I’m really enjoying this book, The New Six Point Plan, partly because it is challenging me to think about and question my “New School” approach to parenting.  He refers to himself as “old fashioned,” and  I’d say he is certainly in the running for the title “King of the Old School Approach to Parenting.” If Supernanny (Jo Frost) can be considered “Queen of the Old School Approach to Parenting” (I think she can), John Rosemond is the king. Now there’s a match made in heaven!

Old School Is Not Bad

I have said from the start of my talking and writing about New and Old School parenting that the Old School methods (such as John Rosemond's) aren’t necessarily bad. But I've consistently said that they are not working so well with many of today’s savvy, autonomous, well-connected, and even defiant children–-of all ages. For some of those kids, on the “defiant” end of the “compliant-defiant continuum,” the Old School methods just make things worse.

However, for many other kids, toward the other end of the continuum, who are more compliant, they do work fine, just like they did for us when we were kids.

It’s the group of kids in the middle, who are resistive, rebellious, and strong-willed  enough to cause behavior problems that I’m wondering about. They are resistive, and not very compliant or cooperative with parental or teacher demands. However, according to Rosemond, Old School methods, diligently and consistently applied, can pressure these resistive children into obedience.

Positives about the Old School Approach

I actually agree with much of what Rosemond writes. I think  there can be lots of positive benefits from Old School parenting methods, especially for more or less compliant kids, and for some resistive toddlers. It’s possible that for most of these children, there are no “right” or “wrong” approaches to

Idea Letter #9: Why New School Parenting Methods Work Better

Greetings parents,

In recent letters I’ve been talking about some of the differences between Old School and New School methods, and how the New School methods work much better than the power-and-control types of Old School methods that we were all raised with.

In previous idea letters I have addressed the following points on this topic:

1. Old School parenting methods (idea letter #5).
2. Why these methods aren’t working so well these days (idea letter #5).
3. New School parenting methods (idea letter #6).
4a. Why New School parenting methods work better than Old School methods (idea letter #7).

In this letter I want to address the second part of why they work better.

4b. Why the New School methods work better than Old School methods.

As I said in letter #7, New School parenting methods, based on a caring approach to discipline, work better than Old School methods because they get better results. Instead of demanding obedience and conformity, which often inspires resentment and resistance, the New School methods are capable of teaching kids four highly desirable qualities: cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility (CAIR). I said that the heart of a New School, CAIRing approach to discipline is not love, but respect, and this is what makes it possible to actually teach kids the qualities of CAIR, or how to care about self and others.

Here are some reasons why the New School methods are capable of getting those kinds of results.

1. They are make a big deal out of respect.

Mutual respect between parent and child starts with the parent treating the children respectfully. It does

Parent Talk, V.1, #8: Holidays and a New Year

Holiday greetings, parents!

In this letter I was planning on addressing the topic Why New School Parenting Methods Work Better, but with the year’s biggest holidays approaching, I decided to say a few words about them, and get back to the New School parenting methods next time.

Your greatest blessings

As we move through the holidays-–holy days-–of Christmas, Hanukkha, Kwanzaa, and Eid al Aida on the way to the start of a new year, I want to invite you to consider your greatest blessings (your children) and what your greatest gifts to them might be.

There is probably no greater joy–and possibly no greater exasperation–bestowed upon parents than their children. They are at times adorable and oh-so-loving, and at other times frustrating and oh-so-demanding, aren’t they?

But who else, or what else, can possibly make you the proudest and most happy that you can be? Who else, or what else, can at times bring out the very best in you? Who else, or what else, gives you as

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, V.1, #7: New School parenting

Greetings, parents!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families! May you all have a great time with your loved ones today and throughout this very special holiday weekend. (Oh yes, and of course, Go Pack!)

In my last couple of letters I addressed the following topics: 1) Old School parenting methods; 2) Why they're not working so well these days; 3) New School parenting methods. Now I would like to address 4) Why New School parenting methods work so much better than Old School methods. I'll address this point in two letters. Here's the first part.

4a. Why New School parenting methods work better than Old School methods.

First of all, what do I mean by the phrase "work better"? The phrase could mean different things to different people.

For example, if by "work better" I mean that the child will do what the parent says on demand, or think

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, v.1, #6: New School parenting methods

Greetings, parents

In my last letter I addressed two items:

#1. Old School parenting methods, and #2. Why they're not working so well these days.

This time I want to address #3: New School parenting methods. Next time I'll address #4. Why they work much better than Old School methods.

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3. New School parenting methods.

I said last time that what I'm calling "Old School" parenting methods primarily  seek children's obedience and too often appeal to their fear of punishment. These methods are essentially primitive: power and control tactics that can be heavy-handed and disrespectful. They often invite children's anger, resistance, defiance, and disrespect.

I added to this the fact that social changes over the past twenty-five years are not producing a "different breed" of children, who are more savvy, and more well-connected to a high-tech and rapidly changing world that instantaneously puts them beyond the reach of their parents. The result is that primitive Old School parenting methods just don't have the same effect that they used to when we were kids.

How New School methods are different.

However, what I call "New School" parenting methods are quite different, and they relate very well to today's "new breed" of savvy, well-connected, independent-minded, and often smart-mouthed and

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, V.1, #5: Old School parenting methods

Greetings, Parents,

In my first few letters I talked about listening because I'm convinced it's the foundation of any relationship and, indeed, the "magic wand" of parenting in a fast and furious age.

This "magic wand" idea is usually a new and surprising one to many parents in my classes, because very few of us were raised by parents who put a high priority on listening to children's ideas and feelings. For many, it was something like, "Children should be seen and not heard." Or, when we had objections, it might have been, "Just shut up and do what you're told--because I said so."

In the next couple of letters I want to focus on some techniques our parents often used in raising us (what I call "Old School" parenting methods), and some changes that I am proposing that we use with

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, V.1, #4: When children talk disrespectfully

Greetings, parents!

Here's hoping you are enjoying the end of summer and the Labor Day weekend with family and friends. Many thanks to all who have given me feedback on my earlier letters. It is very much appreciated.

In this letter I'd like to focus on listening when children talk disrespectfully to you. I am convinced that listening is the single most important and powerful relationship skill you can use with your child (or anyone else). This letter has 3 parts:

   1. Why children talk disrespectfully to their parents.
   2. What I recommend you DO and NOT DO when it happens.
   3. Why I recommend it.

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1. Why children talk disrespectfully to their parents.

No doubt you've all experienced a child (no matter what their age) talking disrespectfully to you. They

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #3: Listening, Typical Twelve

Greetings, parents,

Following up on my last letter, I'd like to say a little more about Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents talk to kids, as well as some alternative ways of communicating with a child. (These ideas also apply to communicating with an adult, as well as to all of the "Typical Twelve" methods.) Please see Gordon's wonder book, Parent Effectiveness Training for a rich goldmine of incredibly practical ways of helping children solve problems, think through their challenges, and discipline themselves.)

You might recall that in my last letter I highlighted #5 (lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments) of Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents use in communicating with children. While this is not necessarily a bad way to talk to children (parents obviously have much to teach their chidlren, and they very appropriately do it often), there will be times when the way the child receives such a communication is quite different from the way the parent intends it. The child might feel put down, talked down to, scolded, or offended in some other way, and respond with a negative or angry gesture or comment. The parent's well-intended advice is not only rejected by the child, but it could be the spark that ignites a fiery interchange.

So lecturing, teaching, and using logical arguments with a child, though well-intended, can sometimes

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #2: Tip on Communicating

August 19, 2007

Greetings parents!

I hope things are going well for you and yours. With that in mind, I'm sending you this email in the hopes that it might give you an idea or two about strenthening your relationships with your children--regardless of their age.

In a recent coaching session with a parent, a mother talked about long-standing problems with a daughter who has been angry, mean, and downright nasty toward her. The mother is divorced, and the daughter has regular contact with her father, but mom is the one who always gets "blasted," and not dad.

Situations like this are very common. One parent gets the heat, but the other one doesn't. The parent doesn't know why. There are many possible explanations for this, but here I want to focus for a moment on what a parent can do if s/he is often on the receiving end of a child's disrespctful expressions of anger or aggression.

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, V.1 #1: My classes

Greetings to all of my former parenting class participants!

Here's hoping you are having a great summer, and wishing you the best in all your relationships, especially your family relationships. These are the ones that are most dear to us throughout our lives. They include both parent-child relationships, husband-wife relationships, significant other relationships, and other ones as well. Working at understanding, acceptance, and communication skills every day can be tedious, but can also render lifelong benefits and personal rewards to all concerned. This work isn't always easy, but I can think of nothing more important that we can do in our lives for ourselves, our family members, and the future of the planet. These are the relationships that really matter to us, and these relationships last a lifetime.