Parent-Child Harmony

Dad Backs Off (Recorded in a parent class)

by Chuck Adam

I like helping parents focus on their listening as a means of helping children. It means you, the parent, have to back off. Instead of trying to pound something into the child’s head, invite the child to bring whatever is in there out. You have to be patient, back off, and wait till they’re ready. It’s the reverse of what we normally do, how we normally communicate with kids, where we too often boss them around.

Here’s a good example, recorded in one of my parent classes, of how a father started backing off with his seven-year-old daughter and listening to her. He said he had just recently stopped yelling at her and wasn’t bossing her around. Look what happened.

Dad:    Now this is, I was telling everybody, she really had a terrible Wednesday. And when she came home I read her assignment notebook, and there was a letter in there from the teacher saying that she hadn’t listened, and she was....completely didn’t do anything all day long. So when she came home, to make a long story short, we didn’t even get home, and she said, “Daddy, my teacher sent a note home today.” And I said, “Well, what was wrong?” And she wouldn’t tell me. So I just......dropped it. And we got home, and I read this note, and, uh, I said, “Well what do you think we should do about this?”

CA: Beautiful! 

That really WAS beautiful. Dad expressed interest, but when she wouldn’t tell him what went wrong at school, he just dropped it. He invited. She backed off. So he backed off, too. Good move, Dad! Later she brings it up again, which often happens when they don’t feel pressured. Then,

She Won't Listen

by Chuck Adam

The single most common complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.

In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue.  Really, what can you do if you can’t talk something like this through with the other person  (no matter what their age)? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished (called “Teaching Children to Listen”) reported, as they always do, that things started improving almost immediately when they used this “secret” technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too.)

The secret technique for getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.

Here’s why. You have to start with something you can control. Now, you can control what you say and how you say it. And you already know that yelling at her to get her to listen to you doesn't work. So you know you might as well try something else. Now, you can't control her listening, but you can control your own (by keeping your mouth shut, paying attention, and astking questions that invite her to say more).

So, start with what you can control. Now it just so happens that listening is the single

Our Two Biggest Challenges as Parents

Parenting today is a real challenge for most parents–perhaps more so than it was for our parents. There are many reasons for that, and they can be summed up in the idea that this is a far more complicated world than the one in which our parents raised us. Here are the two most difficult challenges I see for today’s parents.

Lack of Awareness

Early in life our parents taught us our values, how to relate to others, how to handle feelings, and how to  parent, When we become parents, we typically do what we learned from out parents. This usually means a heavy dose of power-and-control type methods of influencing children to do the right thing, to behave well.  Too often, however, they tend to invite resentment and conflict from our children. Thomas Gordon, in Parent Effectiveness Training, says this about the typical power methods of influence used by parents:

“It is paradoxical but true that parents lose influence by using power and will have more influence on their children by giving up their power or refusing to use it. Parents obviously will have more influence on their children if their methods of influence do not produce rebellion or reactive behavior. Non-power methods of influence make it much more likely that children might seriously consider their parents’ ideas or their feelings and as a result modify their own behavior in the direction desired by the parent...I have come to the conclusion that parents over the years have continued to use power because they have had very little, if any, experience in their own lives with people who use non-power methods of influence. Most people, from childhood on, have been controlled by power exercised by parents, school teachers, school principals, coaches, Sunday school teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, Scout leaders, camp directors, military officers, and bosses. Parents therefore persist in using power out of a lack of knowledge and experience with any other method of resolving conflicts in human relations.”

So a serious problem for many parents lies in the fact that they simply have not been taught non-power methods of relating.

Pride

Besides simply not knowing much about non-power methods of relating, though, most of us face another significant challenge as parents: our own pride. Virtually all parents want the very best for their children, and they really do know what’s best for them. Still, children often respond with hostility, stubbornness, and even defiance to their parents’ guidance. Part of this is the children’s own determination to do what they want to do. Part of it, too, might be resentment at the mere idea of being “bossed around.” And when we get challenged by them, we often get hooked by our own pride-–our own ego. Our desire for our kids to behave well is often not just a matter of what’s best for the child; it is often rooted in our conviction that their behavior is a reflection on us as parents (especially when we’re in public!). Then too, when those young ones resist or defy us, we can easily get caught up in defensiveness. After all, “I’m the parent, not you, and so I’m the boss.” Giving in to the child feels like backing down, and losing face. If we are further challenged by uncertainty about how best to respond, the our anxiety is made worse. This feeling stimulates us to try harder to exert our influence, and impose our will.  It’s the perfect recipe for a power struggle. And power struggles can turn ugly, creating even bigger problems.

Our pride–-ego-–can also challenge us when we try to learn and practice new relationship skills that are not power-based. These methods of relating can feel like backing down or giving in. While they may, indeed, be a way of “backing off,” they are really not backing down. For example, listening to an outspoken child is hard partly because it might feel like we are being attacked, or because it might feel like we’re accepting crazy ideas. Using requests instead of commands might feel like we are weak instead of strong. Besides, what if they say No to the request? Using I-messages instead of you-messages (“I would like you to do X” instead of “You must do X”) also might feel weak or ineffective. To invite the child’s ideas (“Well, what do you think should be done?”) might feel like we don’t know what we should know, or we're letting the child take over.

Conclusion

Non power-based relationship skills are more effective in the long run because they are rooted in respect rather than ego. They invite cooperation rather than resistance. They represent a New School approach to parenting. For more ideas on this see some of my other posts on this site, or check out these authors: Thomas Gordon, Jane Nelsen, and Alfie Kohn.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn: Excerpts from the Introduction

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
(A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline), by Alfie Kohn, 2005

                                           Excerpts from the Introduction

Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children

We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in childlren and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.

Over the last couple of generations, the strategies for trying to produce that result may well have changed. Where kids were once routinely subjected to harsh corporal punishment, they may now be sentenced to time-outs or, perhaps, offered rewards when they obey us. But don’t mistake new means for new ends. The goal continues to be control, even if we secure it with more modern methods.

Long-term Objectives of Parenting

In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”

Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they

Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn: A Review

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
Alfie Kohn, Atria Books, 2005

A Review by Chuck Adam

I was first introduced to Alfie Kohn when I read one of his earlier books, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes (Houghton Mifflin, 1993). The theme of that book was that rewarding people for good behavior is a mistake, because in the long run rewards actually hinder (instead of helping) people do their best. That’s because rewards distract the performer from the intrinsic reward of living and performing responsibly in school and in the workplace. Superficial extrinsic rewards cheapen the work and encourage the performer to do less well by sloughing off once the reward is earned. His ideas struck me as somewhat radical, but they also made an awful lot of sense. Obviously, the same reasoning applies to punishments!

So, when I saw his Unconditional Parenting, I knew it would be thoughtful and challenging. One of the subtitles on the cover calls it “A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline.” It is just that, with a great deal of persuasive thinking, lots of examples, quotations from other authors, and tons of citations to research on parent-child interactions as well as behavioral motivations in children and adults over the past thirty years.

The dominant theme of the book is Kohn’s constant insistence that power and control parenting techniques--that is, bribes, rewards, threats, and punishments (including love withdrawal)--do more than just miss the mark when it comes to raising caring and responsible children. They actually damage kids because they teach, encourage, and fuel children’s resentment, resistance, rebellion, and low self-esteem. These qualities are just the opposite of what almost all parents want to encourage in their children by using power and control methods of discipline.

Anatomy of a Volcanic Eruption

The human being is like a volcano. Eruptions can be very unpleasant, messy, and even violent and dangerous. Parents often interact with children in ways that invite negative behavior. For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under increasing pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

The Volcano Theory

I like to use the volcano as an analogy to represent the human being. It's alive, and beautiful, and when it erupts it can be dangerous and destructive. What we see above ground, a beautiful mountain, represents the body, the behavior, what's on the outside. This is what we see and hear coming from another person. But even more important than that behavior (as unacceptable, defiant, or disrespectful as it might be), is what motivates and determines it. And that motivation is hidden inside, invisible to outsiders. That is where the heat, tension, passion, and pressure are being generated that can erupt in angry and even violent behavior. And it's always two things that motivate and determine all people's behavior, at all times, even young children: thoughts and feelings. These are not directly visible to parents, and parents cannot control them in their children. But too often parents don't deal with them effectively, and they instead focus just on the child's disruptive or disagreeable behavior (e.g., "Stop that right now!" "Do what I told you!" "Go to your room!"). When this happens, they are missing the boat. In fact, they might very possibly be sparking even greater anger (and pain) in the child. They might be thus unwittingly inviting an even more intensely negative behavioral response from the child--just the opposite of what they are trying to achieve in those critical moments before the "volcano" erupts.

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under mounting pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Brief Explanation

I would like to present a framework for thinking about how parents interact with their kids, and how they demonstrate leadership with their kids. I’m going to talk about it in term of roles that parents can take in relation to their children.

There are six roles. Think of a continuum, a line, going from left to right with six boxes right next to each other on the line. At the far left is a parent role which signifies the maximum use of parental authority, power, and control over the child, and the absolute minimum of child exercise of freedom and choice. At the other end is a box representing almost no use of parental authority, power, and control, with complete domination by the child, who exercises total freedom and choice. The child or children are running the entire family, and the parent is in the role of being a servant to the children. Impossible? No, it's rare, but it does happen.

Now let’s look at what the six boxes contain, and how they are labeled. As you probably can guess, I’ll be recommending that parents avoid the ones on the outside ends of the continuum (Old School approaches to parenting), and aim to function within the two roles in the middle of continuum (New School approaches).

1. The Sheriff.

The role on the far left, with absolute domination by the parent, who exercises complete control over the children, and where the children have practically no freedom and choice at all, is the parent in the role of the sheriff. Like the sheriff, the parent feels responsible for their child’s safety, and so the parent makes lots of rules to protect the child, teach the child right from wrong, etc. The children have

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Continuum

Here is how each of the leaders (sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, servant) talks to the person(s) they are leading. Application to how the parent, playing each role, would talk to the child is easily seen. The Old School parenting model (how most of us were raised) favors the sheriff and boss roles. Some Old School parents try to be friends or servants. Most of the tine, these Old School roles are effective, and some are harmful in terms of their effects on children. Much depends on the personality of child and the flexibility of the parent On the other hand, the New School approach to parenting uses the two middle roles almost exclusively (the guide and the consultant), and these roles are far more effective in fostering children who "cair," that is, children who learn and demonstrate cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility.

Please click the following link to download a one-page chart showing the communication style of each role:

Download parent_leadership_rolescontinuum.pdf

Six Parenting Roles: A Leadership Continuum

Please click on this link to download the chart:

Download parent_leadership_model.cht.pdf

Thoughts about Ross Greene’s "The Explosive Child"

I appreciate the challenges I’ve received from Lisa, Bev, and Allan regarding my classification (on my “24 Parenting Authors” post) of Ross Greene as an Old School author. I’ve re-read my copy of “The Explosive Child” (second edition), and I must admit a) that I did misunderstand some of his approach, and b) that  he belongs in the New School camp, and not the Old School. I have changed the chart to reflect that.

In spite of the fact that I’ve had problems with some of Dr. Greene’s ideas (see below), I’ve loved the Behavior Baskets imagery and its usefulness as a working tool for parents. I developed a handout for parents in my classes, and use it often (with full credit to Dr. Greene), and some time ago I posted this handout on this site. I also appreciate more now than before his emphasis on problem-solving based on understanding and empathy, and his teaching parents to ask the child for ideas on how to solve the problem after stating the two sides of the conflict. I also like his emphasis on parents intervening at the beginning stages of a meltdown (“vapor lock”), and the ineffectiveness of back-end strategies (punishments), that typically do not work well as a teaching tool, and that often cause more harm than good.

Some of the problems I originally had with Dr. Green’s approach I still have. These are what got in the way of my appreciating the value of his front-end engagement of children in problem solving as a set of genuinely New School techniques that Old School parents and professionals don’t often use. The difficulties I’ve had (which he might have  addressed in a later edition) include the following.

Ross Greene’s Recommendations for Child Assessment

in The Explosive Child, Quill, 2001, p. 105-108

Note: I have some serious problems with Greene's approach. I see it as an Old School method of “over-professionalizing” a medical-model approach to understanding a troubled or upset child. Where is there a single recommendation that the parents attempt to understand the child through direct communication (specifically, the LISTENING part of communication) with the child? It’s totally absent. The only reference to anyone listening to the child is the recommendation (L. below) that the assessor conduct an interview with the child “to assess his understanding of and views about his difficulties.” What? Why aren’t the parents being advised (and better yet, taught) how to do this? Whom does the child really want and need to understand him/her? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who are committing themselves to constantly and continually trying to listen to, empathize with, and understand their own child? Personally, I think any parent and child put through the following battery of professional scrutiny could suffer strain and disruption in their relationship. While the parents are obviously trying to get help for their child, they might easily feel DISempowered by the "need" for professional scrutiny. And  might not the child be feel really "screwed up"? Or perhaps even more resentful and defiant towards his parents for subjecting him/her to this? (Chuck Adam)

Greene's ideas are as follows.

Achieving an in-depth, accurate understanding of the precise factors underlying a child’s difficulties is critical to designing interventions that are well matched to his needs.

A comprehensive assessment is critical to achieving a clear understanding of these precise factors. Given the various factors which could be underlying a child’s difficulties–and the importance of matching treatment “ingredients” to the needs of each individual child–it’s hard to imagine embarking on the difficult task of helping your child without the fullest possible understanding of his difficulties. Indeed, the failure to achieve a full understanding of a child’s difficulties lies at the core of many counterproductive interventions. Achieving such a full understanding often requires professional assistance, and your impressions and knowledge of your child will be an essential part of the process. My general recommendation is t hat you have your child evaluated by a competent child psychologist or

24 Parenting Authors

Many, many books on parenting are available in bookstores and online. I doubt if any two authors take exactly the same approach, and many vary greatly in their approaches.

On this one-page chart, I place 24 authors I have read on a continuum of "Old School" to "New School" approaches to parenting. This is my own subjective assessment of where each of these authors stands in  terms of whether they advocate exclusively Old School methods (Supernanny, Jo Frost), primarily Old School methods (Dr. Phil McGraw), primarily New School methods (Thomas Gordon, Jane Nelsen, and myself), or exclusively New School methods (Alfie Kohn).

A brief listing of Old School and New School parenting characteristics, methods, and examples is also contained on the chart.

You may download the chart (in pdf format) by clicking on the following link:

Download parenting_authors_continuum.pdf

Idea Letter #12 (Long Version): The Responsibility Chart Works Wonders

The Responsibility Chart:
A Tool for Blending Old and New School Approaches to Parenting--and getting positive behavioral results from your child

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a New School approach to parenting that differs significantly from the Old School approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. That’s why I recommend that parents use New School methods, which are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

Rationale for the Responsibility Chart

By “Old School” methods I mean parents “laying down the law” by using their authority and parental power to establish rules and consequences governing children’s behavior. The consequences are typically punishments for the child’s unacceptable behavior, such as disobedience or disrespectful words and actions.

The “New School” methods I teach in my parenting classes and coaching rely on a fundamentally different use of parental authority and power: namely, dialogue with children (of all ages) about what acceptable behavior should be and why, and about the implications and ramifications of misbehavior.

Old School methods are based on the “father knows best” principle and the “because I said so” rationale for the parent’s exercise of authority. In contrast, New School methods are based on the principle of dialogue and agreement about right behavior. Old School methods demand obedience. New School methods invite cooperation. Old School methods impose limits and then impose punishments for children’s violations of parents’ rules. New School methods obtain agreements and then demand accountability for children’s breaking of their own agreements. Old School methods are rooted in children’s respect for their parents. New School methods are rooted in parents’ respect for their children. The Old School approach is traced back to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” The New School approach is traced back to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I am finding that parents who work at learning the skill sets I’m teaching (listening, illustrating, and disciplining) are beginning to move away from a total reliance on the Old School methods they learned from their parents, which come so naturally. They are starting to incorporate some new attitudes and techniques that at first feel  unnatural, almost like they’re “giving in” to their children. But they are getting remarkably better results in terms of child behavior. The yelling and arguments stop almost completely. Child resistance starts turning into cooperation. Disrespectful language is noticeably reduced or completely disappears. Children’s openness, trust, and even appreciation start to replace their guardedness, fear, and resentment.

Shared Decision-making

As parents incorporate New School techniques (which eventually become skills), they start sharing decision-making authority with their children by inviting input, asking questions, and coming to agreements about what proper behavior should be, what the child’s chores should be, and what the positive consequences should be, at least  in terms of the “big ticket” items. Of course, there’s a place for negative consequences too–but even these are negotiated with the child. Agreements start replacing rules.

This kind of “experimenting” works fine for parents as long as the child wants to “play ball.” If the resistant or defiant daughter isn’t willing to negotiate her chores and responsibilities, then as a last resort the parent imposes them–-along with negative and also positive consequences.

A Simple Tool

I’m finding that a simple tool works wonders. It helps parents and children negotiate agreements, and when a resistant child refuses to play ball by negotiating, it helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences–-whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the recalcitrant daughter refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting her to give feedback by writing in changes over the next few days, or even a week or two. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Examples

An example of a mother’s use of the chart with a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”) who refused to negotiate with her by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . For your own use, a blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple.

In R’s case, she refused to negotiate, mom’s draft became law, and “R” completely ignored it for more than two months. Mom strictly enforced all consequences. Then one day mom came home and found

This Responsibility Chart Works Wonders (Short Version)

This simple tool works wonders for blending “Old” and “New School” approaches to discipline.

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a “New School” approach to parenting that differs significantly from the “Old School” approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. New School methods are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

However, I’m finding that a simple tool which blends Old and New School approaches works wonders. It helps parents and children of any age negotiate agreements, if they are willing to do so. But when a resistant child refuses to “play ball” by negotiating, this simple tool  helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

A Simple Chart

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences, whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they can come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the child refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting them to give feedback by writing in changes they want to suggest. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Links to Examples

An example of a mother’s entries on the chart for a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be seen and/or downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can see and/or download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”), who refused to negotiate with her, by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . A blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple. And you can use it with young children as well as teenagers.

In R’s case, she completely ignored mom's draft of the chart for two months. Then one day mom came home and found eight garbage bags full of trash that R had cleaned out of her room. The verbal abuse all of a sudden stopped, as did the loud music at night. In T’s case, he ignored mom's draft of the chart for a month, and then handed it back to his mother all marked up with red ink, deleting some things, and rewriting others. They then talked out his suggestions and came to some significant agreements.

Hints for Using It

Here are some hints for using the Responsibility Chart.

Idea Letter #11 (Long Version): New School Parenting--Peter Marshall

Excerpts from Peter Marshall’s 1994 book,  Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young:
How to Survive Your Teenagers–with Wisdom and a Little Humor

CA Note: This is an excellent book on parenting, and although it is written for parents of teenagers,  most of the ideas apply equally well to pre-teens and younger children as well. In this article I have quoted Peter Marshall at length from chapters three and four-–about parenting styles and about democratic parenting. I present my own comments about some of Marshall’s ideas at the end.

I highly recommend this book to all parents of teenagers--and younger children too. I hope the title has not caused parents to pass the book by, because the book is a goldmine of good ideas, and should be available in libraries. It’s a nice blend of Old School and New School parenting, with a pretty strong leaning in the direction of a New School approach.

**************************************************************

Chapter Titles: 1. Looking Back: Our Selective Memories; 2. Growth and Development; 3. Parenting Styles; 4. Can Families Be Democratic? 5. Self-Esteem; 6. Sexuality; 7. School, Work, and Play; 8. Push Comes to Shove; 9. Who Are the Experts? Suggested Reading and Tapes.

CHAPTER THREE: PARENTING STYLES (p. 24-38.)

What is a parenting style?

I doubt that many of us think of ourselves as having adopted a particular style of parenting. We certainly have values and attitudes that are important to us and we incorporate these into our dealings with our children. We have opinions about how much control they should be given and probably have our own way of establishing rules and consequences. Some of our rules come from books and some from remembering how we were raised as children. We borrow ideas from parents we know and we use our creativity to help us develop an approach to family life that seems to fit for us...Psychologists usually refer to only a small number of parenting styles. I have limited myself to four...

Why talk about parenting styles? It is a useful way of focusing on some of the more critical aspects of the approaches or philosophies we bring to family life. Like many parents, I believe, for example, that issues regarding who should be in control, the extent to which family rules are negotiated, and how communication is developed are very important and need to be addressed frequently throughout the course of children’s development. Describing different styles provides a way of highlighting the various ways these issues can be addressed. Each style consists of a set of attitudes and values that will influence the way parents see both their own roles and responsibilities and those of their children. Those attitudes and values will also have a direct influence on how we actually behave towards our children.

Style #1: Authoritarian Style

The authoritarian style of parenting is the one usually held up as an example of what not to do. Authoritarian parents give orders and expect immediate obedience. They set very rigid rules and only they have the right to change them. Their children are supposed to passively follow directions and never question the parents’ right to govern. Should the children dare to question their absolute authority, they are immediately assumed to be rebellious and disrespectful and in urgent need of punishment. Negotiation simply is not a term in the authoritarian parent’s vocabulary.

At this point I suppose I should be slamming the authoritarian style of parenting, listing all the problems it is supposed to cause. I will get to that later, but for now I want to dwell on the merits of being a benign dictator. I can certainly agree that dictators and teenagers rarely enjoy good relationships and

Idea Letter#10 (long version) Old School Discipline--John Rosemond

Greetings parents,

I’ve been thinking about discipline a lot lately–partly because I’m currently teaching a course on disciplining children at Parents Place.

But in addition I’ve also been reading a very interesting book by John Rosemond called The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy, Children. He’s a psychologist who has been around a while, who says he doesn’t believe in psychology, who has done a lot of work with parents, and who has published numerous other books, including: Teen-Proofing; Because I Said So!; Parent Power: A Common-Sense Approach to Parenting in the 90's and Beyond; John Rosemond’s New Parent Power; and others.

Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan

Here are the chapter headings of his six-point plan: 1) The Parent-Centered Family; 2) The Voice of Authority; 3) The Roots of Responsibility; 4) The Fruits of Frustration (the child’s frustration–CA); 5) Toys and Play–The Right Stuff; and 6) Television, Computers, and Video Games–More Than Meets the Eye. Point number seven is Love ‘Em Enough to Do the First Six! He also presents, in an afterword, Rosemond’s Bill of Rights for Children, which are, essentially, that children have the right to be bossed around by their parents.

Although I have some serious differences with John Rosemond's tough approach to parenting, I’m really enjoying this book, The New Six Point Plan, partly because it is challenging me to think about and question my “New School” approach to parenting.  He refers to himself as “old fashioned,” and  I’d say he is certainly in the running for the title “King of the Old School Approach to Parenting.” If Supernanny (Jo Frost) can be considered “Queen of the Old School Approach to Parenting” (I think she can), John Rosemond is the king. Now there’s a match made in heaven!

Old School Is Not Bad

I have said from the start of my talking and writing about New and Old School parenting that the Old School methods (such as John Rosemond's) aren’t necessarily bad. But I've consistently said that they are not working so well with many of today’s savvy, autonomous, well-connected, and even defiant children–-of all ages. For some of those kids, on the “defiant” end of the “compliant-defiant continuum,” the Old School methods just make things worse.

However, for many other kids, toward the other end of the continuum, who are more compliant, they do work fine, just like they did for us when we were kids.

It’s the group of kids in the middle, who are resistive, rebellious, and strong-willed  enough to cause behavior problems that I’m wondering about. They are resistive, and not very compliant or cooperative with parental or teacher demands. However, according to Rosemond, Old School methods, diligently and consistently applied, can pressure these resistive children into obedience.

Positives about the Old School Approach

I actually agree with much of what Rosemond writes. I think  there can be lots of positive benefits from Old School parenting methods, especially for more or less compliant kids, and for some resistive toddlers. It’s possible that for most of these children, there are no “right” or “wrong” approaches to

Old to New School Attitude Shift

In his book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason-- A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline (Atria, 2005), Alfie Kohn writes:

“The shift away from older methods, however, has to be accomplished by a shift in goal. Specifically, our main question shouldn’t be “How do I get my child to do what I say?” but “What does my child need–and how can I meet those needs?” In my experience, you can predict much of what happens in families just from knowing which of those questions is more important to the parents. You don’t even have to

Old and New School Parenting: An Overview

OLD SCHOOL parenting methods are the kinds of techniques our parents used with us when we were kids. Obviously, they worked pretty well, as we turned out okay, didn’t we? Naturally, we learned them from our parents when we were kids. The methods our parents used were pretty much the same ones their parents used before them, and that they learned when they were kids. Their grandparents and great-grandparents used essentially the same methods too. They were things that worked with kids, and they were repeated, generation after generation. However, those are the ones that don’t seem to be working so well anymore with today’s kids.

Those Old School methods represent parenting on a more basic level, a physical level, that relies on

Idea Letter #9: Why New School Parenting Methods Work Better

Greetings parents,

In recent letters I’ve been talking about some of the differences between Old School and New School methods, and how the New School methods work much better than the power-and-control types of Old School methods that we were all raised with.

In previous idea letters I have addressed the following points on this topic:

1. Old School parenting methods (idea letter #5).
2. Why these methods aren’t working so well these days (idea letter #5).
3. New School parenting methods (idea letter #6).
4a. Why New School parenting methods work better than Old School methods (idea letter #7).

In this letter I want to address the second part of why they work better.

4b. Why the New School methods work better than Old School methods.

As I said in letter #7, New School parenting methods, based on a caring approach to discipline, work better than Old School methods because they get better results. Instead of demanding obedience and conformity, which often inspires resentment and resistance, the New School methods are capable of teaching kids four highly desirable qualities: cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility (CAIR). I said that the heart of a New School, CAIRing approach to discipline is not love, but respect, and this is what makes it possible to actually teach kids the qualities of CAIR, or how to care about self and others.

Here are some reasons why the New School methods are capable of getting those kinds of results.

1. They are make a big deal out of respect.

Mutual respect between parent and child starts with the parent treating the children respectfully. It does

New School Approach: What Parents Are Saying

Please click on the following link for a brief one-page listing of quotes from parents in my classes describing their own and their children's reactions to their own attempts at changing from Old School to New School parenting methods.

Download new_school_approachwhat_parents_are_saying.pdf

25 Examples of New School Parenting: Rate Yourself

Please click on the following link for a listing of 25 examples of New School parenting techniques and methods. You can rate yourself on a scale of 0-4 regarding how often and/or effectively you find yourself using these methods. Your score (from 0-100) will give you an idea of where you stand.

No parent is likely to be "completely New School," and no parent is likely to be "completely Old School" in their approach to parenting. Rather, we are all most likely a combination of new and old.

Download new_school_parenting_25_examples.pdf

Old and New School Parenting Principles: A Comparison

Please click on the following link for a side-by-side comparison of the defining principles of the Old School and New School approaches to parenting.

                       Download old_new_school_6_parenting_principles.pdf

Old School methods are more primitive, based on power and control tactics by parents (and other authority figures in society) aimed at contolling children's behavior. New School methods are more cognitive in nature, and are based on more sophisticated attitudes about the parent-child relationship. They rely on different and more effective methods of parental communication with children that emphasize listening and reaching agreements rather than imposing rules, limitations, demands, and consequences in the form of punishments.

Old School Parenting: Children's Responses to Power

Please click on the following link for a one-page listing of a) social trends that have rbeen significantly changing childlren since the late 1980s; and b) the way these children respond to power and control techniques used by parents who are still mired in the Old School approach to parenting that their own parents used.

Download old_school_chilcrens_responses_to_power.pdf

Old and New School #3: Detailed Comarison of Parenting Methods

Please click on the following link to view a detailed comparison of Old School and New School parenting methods.

Download old_new_school_3_parenting_methods.pdf

The basic premise of Old School parenting methods consists of the idea that parents instill positive values and behavior habits in children by setting limits, rules, and expectations, and by demanding obedience or conformity. Consequences in the form of punishments are often used when children disobey. The word "discipline" is always means "punishment." These are essentially "power and control" techniques, and they are less effective with today's children than they were in the past.

The basic premise of New School parenting methods consists of the idea that parents instill positive values and behavior habits in children by negotiating agreements with their chidlren about what constitutes "good" or "right" behavior, as well as what the consequences should be for misbehavior. Parents seek the child's cooperation, not obedience. The word "discipline" always means "teaching and learning," and not "punishment," which is seen as counterproductive. Parents make extensive use of listening and greatly reduce their tendency to give orders, and these methods are far more effective in gaining the cooperation and "good" behavior of today's independent-minded children.

Old and New School #2: Parenting Methods Compared

Please click on the following link to read a brief comparison between Old School and New School parenting methods. It was generated by one of my parent education classes in March 2006.

Download old_new_school_2_parenting_methods.pdf

The basic premise of Old School parenting methods consists of the idea that parents instill positive values and behavior habits in children by setting limits, rules, and expectations, and by demanding obedience or conformity. Consequences in the form of punishments are often used when children disobey. The word "discipline" is always means "punishment." These are essentially "power and control" techniques, and they are less effective with today's children than they were in the past.

The basic premise of New School parenting methods consists of the idea that parents instill positive values and behavior habits in children by negotiating agreements with their chidlren about what constitutes "good" or "right" behavior, as well as what the consequences should be for misbehavior. Parents seek the child's cooperation, not obedience. The word "discipline" always means "teaching and learning," and not "punishment," which is seen as counterproductive. Parents make extensive use of listening and greatly reduce their tendency to give orders, and these methods are far more effective in gaining the cooperation and "good" behavior of today's independent-minded children.

Old School and New School Parenting#1: An Overview

By Chuck Adam

Note: Following this post is a listing of articles about key ideas in the post that may be downloaded.

What I call “OLD SCHOOL” parenting methods are the more primitive techniques our parents used with us when we were kids. Obviously, they worked pretty well, as we and most other adults turned out okay, didn’t we? The methods our parents used were pretty much the same ones that their parents used with them, when they were kids, which is where they learned them.

These methods were–and still are–some of the “normal” things that parents naturally do when raising kids. They have been learned, repeated, and handed down generation after generation, right down to the present day, and are used by almost all parents: biological, foster, adoptive, and grandparents re-parenting.

Old School Examples

Some examples of these Old School parenting methods are: parents impose rules and consequences; parents give orders and commands; parents expect compliance; parents punish kids for non-compliance; parents demand respect; “children are to be seen and not heard”; and, perhaps worst of all, parents may punish disobedient kids physically if they wish.

Physical punishment is usually considered abusive treatment of children (although many parents still use it). Even so, well-intentioned parents using Old School methods intend to instill values and teach their children right from wrong. Unfortunately, the methods themselves, while not “bad” (except for abuse) are “power and control” tactics that often rely on instilling fear of punishment as the child’s motivation for compliance. In addition, they attempt to achieve the impossible: the illusion of control, or giving parents control over their children's behavior. Contrary to what most parents and professionals seem to believe and strive for, parents cannot control their children. Only the child can control his/her behavior.

Less effective now

Behavior control and the use of threats and fear is far less effective today than in the past because of social trends beyond the control of any single person or group (including parents). Since the late 1980's these awesome forces have been empowering children to grow up faster than we did and to be (scarily) independent, autonomous, curious, savvy, and well-connected both with each other and an out-of-control adult world, far beyond the four walls of home, and the reach of parents.

The Old School methods don’t work so well today because they grew out of, and are better suited to, a

Old School Methods and Social Trends

Old School parenting methods do not work very well with today's independent-minded, autonomous, and demanding children--of all ages. The reason is not that the Old School methods are bad or wrong. It's just that they are ineffective because today's children are really different than children were a generation or more ago. The reason they are different has nothing to do with parents. It's because of the incredible social changes that have been occurring since the late 1980's.

Please click on the following link to see a brief description of each of the dozen or more social trends that are beyond anyone's control, and that have significantly changed the children of today.

Download old_school_methods_and_social_trends.pdf

New School Parenting: What parents are saying

Here’s what parents are saying about the benefits of my “New School” approach to parenting in the 21st Century.

ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN:
   - “More willing to talk and share; does chores more often without being reminded.”
   - “A more “adult” style of approaching communication with his parents.”
   - “Some of the adversarial positions we had been experiencing are tapering off.”
   - “Arguing hardly at all; sense of humor coming out more.”
   - “Willing to talk and share more with me.”
   - “More helpful; throwing less fits; decrease in “badgering” me after I say “no.”
   - “More “talking” from her; fewer outbursts/tantrums; more openness.”
   - “More communication, negotiation, problem-solving.”
   - “More responsive when asked to do things.”
   - “Communicating more and willing to listen.”
   - “My boys are opening up more and being more responsible.”
   - “He’s realizing the importance of independent living & supporting himself financially.”
   - “A step toward his college education; and trying to find a good paying job.”

ABOUT THEMSELVES AS PARENTS:
   - “Feeling less tension and stress, less hurt feelings on my part.”
   - “I am able to disconnect more as well as connect on a positive level.”
   - “We are creating a foundation of open communication with our son.”
   - “Much less stress.”
   - “Me wanting to spend time together instead of liking to see him gone.”
   - “More peace and harmony. Less drama.”
   - “Knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel.”
   - “Less aggravation/tension after our encounters.”
   - “Ability to be more neutral and not take everything so personally.”
   - “Relief; beginning building a positive relationship.”
   - “More communication in the household.”

© 2007 Chuck Adam, Life & Relationship Coach, 414-778-0634;   chuckadam@sbcglobal.net (email); www.chuckadamonline.com (website)

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, V.1, #7: New School parenting

Greetings, parents!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families! May you all have a great time with your loved ones today and throughout this very special holiday weekend. (Oh yes, and of course, Go Pack!)

In my last couple of letters I addressed the following topics: 1) Old School parenting methods; 2) Why they're not working so well these days; 3) New School parenting methods. Now I would like to address 4) Why New School parenting methods work so much better than Old School methods. I'll address this point in two letters. Here's the first part.

4a. Why New School parenting methods work better than Old School methods.

First of all, what do I mean by the phrase "work better"? The phrase could mean different things to different people.

For example, if by "work better" I mean that the child will do what the parent says on demand, or think

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter, v.1, #6: New School parenting methods

Greetings, parents

In my last letter I addressed two items:

#1. Old School parenting methods, and #2. Why they're not working so well these days.

This time I want to address #3: New School parenting methods. Next time I'll address #4. Why they work much better than Old School methods.

*************************************************************************************

3. New School parenting methods.

I said last time that what I'm calling "Old School" parenting methods primarily  seek children's obedience and too often appeal to their fear of punishment. These methods are essentially primitive: power and control tactics that can be heavy-handed and disrespectful. They often invite children's anger, resistance, defiance, and disrespect.

I added to this the fact that social changes over the past twenty-five years are not producing a "different breed" of children, who are more savvy, and more well-connected to a high-tech and rapidly changing world that instantaneously puts them beyond the reach of their parents. The result is that primitive Old School parenting methods just don't have the same effect that they used to when we were kids.

How New School methods are different.

However, what I call "New School" parenting methods are quite different, and they relate very well to today's "new breed" of savvy, well-connected, independent-minded, and often smart-mouthed and

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #3: Listening, Typical Twelve

Greetings, parents,

Following up on my last letter, I'd like to say a little more about Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents talk to kids, as well as some alternative ways of communicating with a child. (These ideas also apply to communicating with an adult, as well as to all of the "Typical Twelve" methods.) Please see Gordon's wonder book, Parent Effectiveness Training for a rich goldmine of incredibly practical ways of helping children solve problems, think through their challenges, and discipline themselves.)

You might recall that in my last letter I highlighted #5 (lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments) of Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents use in communicating with children. While this is not necessarily a bad way to talk to children (parents obviously have much to teach their chidlren, and they very appropriately do it often), there will be times when the way the child receives such a communication is quite different from the way the parent intends it. The child might feel put down, talked down to, scolded, or offended in some other way, and respond with a negative or angry gesture or comment. The parent's well-intended advice is not only rejected by the child, but it could be the spark that ignites a fiery interchange.

So lecturing, teaching, and using logical arguments with a child, though well-intended, can sometimes

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #2: Tip on Communicating

August 19, 2007

Greetings parents!

I hope things are going well for you and yours. With that in mind, I'm sending you this email in the hopes that it might give you an idea or two about strenthening your relationships with your children--regardless of their age.

In a recent coaching session with a parent, a mother talked about long-standing problems with a daughter who has been angry, mean, and downright nasty toward her. The mother is divorced, and the daughter has regular contact with her father, but mom is the one who always gets "blasted," and not dad.

Situations like this are very common. One parent gets the heat, but the other one doesn't. The parent doesn't know why. There are many possible explanations for this, but here I want to focus for a moment on what a parent can do if s/he is often on the receiving end of a child's disrespctful expressions of anger or aggression.