Parent-Child Harmony

Dad Backs Off (Recorded in a parent class)

by Chuck Adam

I like helping parents focus on their listening as a means of helping children. It means you, the parent, have to back off. Instead of trying to pound something into the child’s head, invite the child to bring whatever is in there out. You have to be patient, back off, and wait till they’re ready. It’s the reverse of what we normally do, how we normally communicate with kids, where we too often boss them around.

Here’s a good example, recorded in one of my parent classes, of how a father started backing off with his seven-year-old daughter and listening to her. He said he had just recently stopped yelling at her and wasn’t bossing her around. Look what happened.

Dad:    Now this is, I was telling everybody, she really had a terrible Wednesday. And when she came home I read her assignment notebook, and there was a letter in there from the teacher saying that she hadn’t listened, and she was....completely didn’t do anything all day long. So when she came home, to make a long story short, we didn’t even get home, and she said, “Daddy, my teacher sent a note home today.” And I said, “Well, what was wrong?” And she wouldn’t tell me. So I just......dropped it. And we got home, and I read this note, and, uh, I said, “Well what do you think we should do about this?”

CA: Beautiful! 

That really WAS beautiful. Dad expressed interest, but when she wouldn’t tell him what went wrong at school, he just dropped it. He invited. She backed off. So he backed off, too. Good move, Dad! Later she brings it up again, which often happens when they don’t feel pressured. Then,

She Won't Listen

by Chuck Adam

The single most common complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.

In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue.  Really, what can you do if you can’t talk something like this through with the other person  (no matter what their age)? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished (called “Teaching Children to Listen”) reported, as they always do, that things started improving almost immediately when they used this “secret” technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too.)

The secret technique for getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.

Here’s why. You have to start with something you can control. Now, you can control what you say and how you say it. And you already know that yelling at her to get her to listen to you doesn't work. So you know you might as well try something else. Now, you can't control her listening, but you can control your own (by keeping your mouth shut, paying attention, and astking questions that invite her to say more).

So, start with what you can control. Now it just so happens that listening is the single

The Volcano Theory

I like to use the volcano as an analogy to represent the human being. It's alive, and beautiful, and when it erupts it can be dangerous and destructive. What we see above ground, a beautiful mountain, represents the body, the behavior, what's on the outside. This is what we see and hear coming from another person. But even more important than that behavior (as unacceptable, defiant, or disrespectful as it might be), is what motivates and determines it. And that motivation is hidden inside, invisible to outsiders. That is where the heat, tension, passion, and pressure are being generated that can erupt in angry and even violent behavior. And it's always two things that motivate and determine all people's behavior, at all times, even young children: thoughts and feelings. These are not directly visible to parents, and parents cannot control them in their children. But too often parents don't deal with them effectively, and they instead focus just on the child's disruptive or disagreeable behavior (e.g., "Stop that right now!" "Do what I told you!" "Go to your room!"). When this happens, they are missing the boat. In fact, they might very possibly be sparking even greater anger (and pain) in the child. They might be thus unwittingly inviting an even more intensely negative behavioral response from the child--just the opposite of what they are trying to achieve in those critical moments before the "volcano" erupts.

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under mounting pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Continuum

Here is how each of the leaders (sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, servant) talks to the person(s) they are leading. Application to how the parent, playing each role, would talk to the child is easily seen. The Old School parenting model (how most of us were raised) favors the sheriff and boss roles. Some Old School parents try to be friends or servants. Most of the tine, these Old School roles are effective, and some are harmful in terms of their effects on children. Much depends on the personality of child and the flexibility of the parent On the other hand, the New School approach to parenting uses the two middle roles almost exclusively (the guide and the consultant), and these roles are far more effective in fostering children who "cair," that is, children who learn and demonstrate cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility.

Please click the following link to download a one-page chart showing the communication style of each role:

Download parent_leadership_rolescontinuum.pdf

Ross Greene’s Recommendations for Child Assessment

in The Explosive Child, Quill, 2001, p. 105-108

Note: I have some serious problems with Greene's approach. I see it as an Old School method of “over-professionalizing” a medical-model approach to understanding a troubled or upset child. Where is there a single recommendation that the parents attempt to understand the child through direct communication (specifically, the LISTENING part of communication) with the child? It’s totally absent. The only reference to anyone listening to the child is the recommendation (L. below) that the assessor conduct an interview with the child “to assess his understanding of and views about his difficulties.” What? Why aren’t the parents being advised (and better yet, taught) how to do this? Whom does the child really want and need to understand him/her? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who are committing themselves to constantly and continually trying to listen to, empathize with, and understand their own child? Personally, I think any parent and child put through the following battery of professional scrutiny could suffer strain and disruption in their relationship. While the parents are obviously trying to get help for their child, they might easily feel DISempowered by the "need" for professional scrutiny. And  might not the child be feel really "screwed up"? Or perhaps even more resentful and defiant towards his parents for subjecting him/her to this? (Chuck Adam)

Greene's ideas are as follows.

Achieving an in-depth, accurate understanding of the precise factors underlying a child’s difficulties is critical to designing interventions that are well matched to his needs.

A comprehensive assessment is critical to achieving a clear understanding of these precise factors. Given the various factors which could be underlying a child’s difficulties–and the importance of matching treatment “ingredients” to the needs of each individual child–it’s hard to imagine embarking on the difficult task of helping your child without the fullest possible understanding of his difficulties. Indeed, the failure to achieve a full understanding of a child’s difficulties lies at the core of many counterproductive interventions. Achieving such a full understanding often requires professional assistance, and your impressions and knowledge of your child will be an essential part of the process. My general recommendation is t hat you have your child evaluated by a competent child psychologist or

Listening: the Most Important Thing

Strange as it might seem, listening is the foundation of any interpersonal relationship. This is true both for adult relationships and for parent-child relationships too. Let’s consider the parent-child relationship.

At the beginning of life, the baby’s very survival depends on the parent’s–usually the mother’s–ability and willingness to listen to her baby. Every cry is a signal of distress, and a  call for help. Mothers learn very quickly what baby’s different cries might mean: hunger, discomfort, pain, frustration of some kind. Without the ability and willingness to listen attentively, how could a mother know what her dear little treasure needs? And, how quickly most mothers respond, jumping right up and rushing to baby’s aid. And attentive fathers do the same.

As baby grow, and becomes a toddler, a pre-schooler, and eventually a pre-teenager, the child’s needs expand geometrically, giving parents an infinite range of needs, desires, and demands to respond to.