Parent-Child Harmony

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn: Excerpts from the Introduction

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
(A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline), by Alfie Kohn, 2005

                                           Excerpts from the Introduction

Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children

We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in childlren and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.

Over the last couple of generations, the strategies for trying to produce that result may well have changed. Where kids were once routinely subjected to harsh corporal punishment, they may now be sentenced to time-outs or, perhaps, offered rewards when they obey us. But don’t mistake new means for new ends. The goal continues to be control, even if we secure it with more modern methods.

Long-term Objectives of Parenting

In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”

Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they

Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn: A Review

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
Alfie Kohn, Atria Books, 2005

A Review by Chuck Adam

I was first introduced to Alfie Kohn when I read one of his earlier books, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes (Houghton Mifflin, 1993). The theme of that book was that rewarding people for good behavior is a mistake, because in the long run rewards actually hinder (instead of helping) people do their best. That’s because rewards distract the performer from the intrinsic reward of living and performing responsibly in school and in the workplace. Superficial extrinsic rewards cheapen the work and encourage the performer to do less well by sloughing off once the reward is earned. His ideas struck me as somewhat radical, but they also made an awful lot of sense. Obviously, the same reasoning applies to punishments!

So, when I saw his Unconditional Parenting, I knew it would be thoughtful and challenging. One of the subtitles on the cover calls it “A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline.” It is just that, with a great deal of persuasive thinking, lots of examples, quotations from other authors, and tons of citations to research on parent-child interactions as well as behavioral motivations in children and adults over the past thirty years.

The dominant theme of the book is Kohn’s constant insistence that power and control parenting techniques--that is, bribes, rewards, threats, and punishments (including love withdrawal)--do more than just miss the mark when it comes to raising caring and responsible children. They actually damage kids because they teach, encourage, and fuel children’s resentment, resistance, rebellion, and low self-esteem. These qualities are just the opposite of what almost all parents want to encourage in their children by using power and control methods of discipline.

Anatomy of a Volcanic Eruption

The human being is like a volcano. Eruptions can be very unpleasant, messy, and even violent and dangerous. Parents often interact with children in ways that invite negative behavior. For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under increasing pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!

For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Continuum

Here is how each of the leaders (sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, servant) talks to the person(s) they are leading. Application to how the parent, playing each role, would talk to the child is easily seen. The Old School parenting model (how most of us were raised) favors the sheriff and boss roles. Some Old School parents try to be friends or servants. Most of the tine, these Old School roles are effective, and some are harmful in terms of their effects on children. Much depends on the personality of child and the flexibility of the parent On the other hand, the New School approach to parenting uses the two middle roles almost exclusively (the guide and the consultant), and these roles are far more effective in fostering children who "cair," that is, children who learn and demonstrate cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility.

Please click the following link to download a one-page chart showing the communication style of each role:

Download parent_leadership_rolescontinuum.pdf

I-Messages That Prevent Arguing

Twenty-One I-Messages That Prevent Parent-Child Arguments

Children (and adults) respond favorably to I-messages that are not veiled attacks. I-messages are self-disclosure on your part about what you will or will not do, or what your think, feel, or want. I-messages often feel risky because, as with any form of self-disclosure, you might get “blown off” or even ridiculed. But I-messages are a respectful alternative to arguing and power struggles. Here are some I-messages that can help you avoid arguments and power struggles.

1. “Honey, I’ve decided that I am going to stop arguing with you.”

2. “I think that arguing is not good for you, or for me. It’s not good for our relationship.”

3. “I realize that I can’t control your behavior, so I’m not going to try.”

4. "I know that if you don’t want to cooperate with me, you will not do it. So, I’m not going to try to control your behavior any more, and I’m not going to argue with you to get you to do things.”

5. "I'm getting upset. I need a timeout." (And you, the parent, walk away till you calm down, and can come back and resume a respectful conversation with the child.)

Arguing - 2: When Winning Is Losing (Long Version)

When Winning Is Losing, and Ego Rules the Roost

Merriam Webster (Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition) defines “zero-sum” as follows:

“Of, relating to, or being a situation (as a game or relationship) in which a gain for one side entails a corresponding loss for the other side.”

Another name for this situation is “win-lose.” One side wins, one side loses. Parent-child arguments are zero-sum, or win-lose, situations. Only worse. In parent-child arguments the winner is also a loser. In a tragic way, the parent who stoops to the child’s level of arguing and yelling is by far the bigger loser, even if the parents “wins” that particular battle. How?

The parent’s own personal losses

Arguing is a sign of weakness and helplessness. A parent argues with a child, perhaps even gets all worked up and yells, because they are angry at the child, who holds an opposing view and will not give in. In frustration at the child’s stubbornness, and the willingness to openly resist, the parent ramps up the volume, intensity, and perhaps the severity of a threatened punishment. The parent is already a loser in several ways, even before the outcome is decided.

1. The parent is indeed helpless to “make the child do anything.” Feeling helpless to control or subdue the child is what creates the parent’s anger.
2. By yelling and arguing the parent is losing by trying to do the impossible (namely, make the child do something). They are vainly fighting a child based on a delusion they carry around in their own mind. It’s the delusion of control–that they can, or should be able to, control the child’s behavior.
3. Another way the parent loses in this arguing scenario is that they fail to recognize that what they are attempting to accomplish is impossible. What the parent loses is their own sense of awareness and purpose.
4. The parent fails to recognize that what is motivating their behavior is their own egotistical need to win, not what the child needs for healthy growth.  Thus, the parent “loses consciousness” for a while by putting their ego ahead of the child’s need to learn how to reach difficult agreements.
5. The parent loses face by stooping to the level of the immature child–who doesn’t know how to better handle such a disagreement. By “losing face” I mean the parent actually loses a certain amount of dignity and self-respect.

Losses in the parent-child relationship

The child senses all of this. They know the parent cannot really make them do something. They sense

Arguing - 1: When Winning Is Losing (short version)

The Parent-Child Argument

As a parent, you love and care about your child(ren) so much that you just hate to think of something going wrong to hurt them, whether it would come from some outside source, or from their own actions. So, naturally, you want to do all in your power to help and protect them. And like any good guide, you know the territory they’re in better than they do because you’ve been down many of those paths many times before.

So when your child resists what you say and what you want, or when they drag their heels and dawdle when time is short, you understandably might immediately become upset, and perhaps concerned about their safety or well-being. This can all too easily lead to your insistence that the child accept your point of view, or your demand for some kind of action, only to be met with more resistance and some kind of logical argument, whining, or a very illogical, childish, and immature argument why your idea, request, or demand is not acceptable to them.

Now the stage is set for one of the most non-productive, and, indeed, destructive, parent-child interactions that I know of: the parent-child argument. This is exactly the point when mole hills can become mountains, and mountains become volcanoes, erupting and spewing hot lava in the form of mutual anger, frustration, and resentment. It can even lead to tears, cursing, insults, threats, and other forms of  disrespectful mutual yelling and screaming. As you well know, this is a hurtful, painful experience for both you and your child. It almost always leaves you both feeling resentment and other negative thoughts and feelings.

As a loving parent, you don’t want to be caught up in this situation, yet it happens. And it might happen a lot, especially with that one particularly strong-willed or defiant child.  It might even happen so often that you can almost predict when, or how, or over what issue, or in what circumstances the next explosion will be ignited.

Here's how you can stop the arguments

Here’s my “short course” on parent-child arguing. It’s one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your child. As soon as the argument starts, and you feel the heat starting to build up

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #3: Listening, Typical Twelve

Greetings, parents,

Following up on my last letter, I'd like to say a little more about Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents talk to kids, as well as some alternative ways of communicating with a child. (These ideas also apply to communicating with an adult, as well as to all of the "Typical Twelve" methods.) Please see Gordon's wonder book, Parent Effectiveness Training for a rich goldmine of incredibly practical ways of helping children solve problems, think through their challenges, and discipline themselves.)

You might recall that in my last letter I highlighted #5 (lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments) of Thomas Gordon's "Typical Twelve" ways that parents use in communicating with children. While this is not necessarily a bad way to talk to children (parents obviously have much to teach their chidlren, and they very appropriately do it often), there will be times when the way the child receives such a communication is quite different from the way the parent intends it. The child might feel put down, talked down to, scolded, or offended in some other way, and respond with a negative or angry gesture or comment. The parent's well-intended advice is not only rejected by the child, but it could be the spark that ignites a fiery interchange.

So lecturing, teaching, and using logical arguments with a child, though well-intended, can sometimes

"Parent Talk" Idea Letter V.1, #2: Tip on Communicating

August 19, 2007

Greetings parents!

I hope things are going well for you and yours. With that in mind, I'm sending you this email in the hopes that it might give you an idea or two about strenthening your relationships with your children--regardless of their age.

In a recent coaching session with a parent, a mother talked about long-standing problems with a daughter who has been angry, mean, and downright nasty toward her. The mother is divorced, and the daughter has regular contact with her father, but mom is the one who always gets "blasted," and not dad.

Situations like this are very common. One parent gets the heat, but the other one doesn't. The parent doesn't know why. There are many possible explanations for this, but here I want to focus for a moment on what a parent can do if s/he is often on the receiving end of a child's disrespctful expressions of anger or aggression.