Parent-Child Harmony

Dad Backs Off (Recorded in a parent class)

by Chuck Adam

I like helping parents focus on their listening as a means of helping children. It means you, the parent, have to back off. Instead of trying to pound something into the child’s head, invite the child to bring whatever is in there out. You have to be patient, back off, and wait till they’re ready. It’s the reverse of what we normally do, how we normally communicate with kids, where we too often boss them around.

Here’s a good example, recorded in one of my parent classes, of how a father started backing off with his seven-year-old daughter and listening to her. He said he had just recently stopped yelling at her and wasn’t bossing her around. Look what happened.

Dad:    Now this is, I was telling everybody, she really had a terrible Wednesday. And when she came home I read her assignment notebook, and there was a letter in there from the teacher saying that she hadn’t listened, and she was....completely didn’t do anything all day long. So when she came home, to make a long story short, we didn’t even get home, and she said, “Daddy, my teacher sent a note home today.” And I said, “Well, what was wrong?” And she wouldn’t tell me. So I just......dropped it. And we got home, and I read this note, and, uh, I said, “Well what do you think we should do about this?”

CA: Beautiful! 

That really WAS beautiful. Dad expressed interest, but when she wouldn’t tell him what went wrong at school, he just dropped it. He invited. She backed off. So he backed off, too. Good move, Dad! Later she brings it up again, which often happens when they don’t feel pressured. Then,

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Brief Explanation

I would like to present a framework for thinking about how parents interact with their kids, and how they demonstrate leadership with their kids. I’m going to talk about it in term of roles that parents can take in relation to their children.

There are six roles. Think of a continuum, a line, going from left to right with six boxes right next to each other on the line. At the far left is a parent role which signifies the maximum use of parental authority, power, and control over the child, and the absolute minimum of child exercise of freedom and choice. At the other end is a box representing almost no use of parental authority, power, and control, with complete domination by the child, who exercises total freedom and choice. The child or children are running the entire family, and the parent is in the role of being a servant to the children. Impossible? No, it's rare, but it does happen.

Now let’s look at what the six boxes contain, and how they are labeled. As you probably can guess, I’ll be recommending that parents avoid the ones on the outside ends of the continuum (Old School approaches to parenting), and aim to function within the two roles in the middle of continuum (New School approaches).

1. The Sheriff.

The role on the far left, with absolute domination by the parent, who exercises complete control over the children, and where the children have practically no freedom and choice at all, is the parent in the role of the sheriff. Like the sheriff, the parent feels responsible for their child’s safety, and so the parent makes lots of rules to protect the child, teach the child right from wrong, etc. The children have

Six Parent Leadership Roles: A Continuum

Here is how each of the leaders (sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, servant) talks to the person(s) they are leading. Application to how the parent, playing each role, would talk to the child is easily seen. The Old School parenting model (how most of us were raised) favors the sheriff and boss roles. Some Old School parents try to be friends or servants. Most of the tine, these Old School roles are effective, and some are harmful in terms of their effects on children. Much depends on the personality of child and the flexibility of the parent On the other hand, the New School approach to parenting uses the two middle roles almost exclusively (the guide and the consultant), and these roles are far more effective in fostering children who "cair," that is, children who learn and demonstrate cooperation, accountability, integrity, and responsibility.

Please click the following link to download a one-page chart showing the communication style of each role:

Download parent_leadership_rolescontinuum.pdf

Six Parenting Roles: A Leadership Continuum

Please click on this link to download the chart:

Download parent_leadership_model.cht.pdf

Idea Letter #12 (Long Version): The Responsibility Chart Works Wonders

The Responsibility Chart:
A Tool for Blending Old and New School Approaches to Parenting--and getting positive behavioral results from your child

I’ve been writing about and teaching parents about a New School approach to parenting that differs significantly from the Old School approach that most of our parents used in raising us, and that most parents rely on today. It seems to me that the old methods aren’t working as well today with many autonomous, independent-minded children as they did with us when we were growing up twenty or more years ago. That’s why I recommend that parents use New School methods, which are more sophisticated, and also significantly more effective.

Rationale for the Responsibility Chart

By “Old School” methods I mean parents “laying down the law” by using their authority and parental power to establish rules and consequences governing children’s behavior. The consequences are typically punishments for the child’s unacceptable behavior, such as disobedience or disrespectful words and actions.

The “New School” methods I teach in my parenting classes and coaching rely on a fundamentally different use of parental authority and power: namely, dialogue with children (of all ages) about what acceptable behavior should be and why, and about the implications and ramifications of misbehavior.

Old School methods are based on the “father knows best” principle and the “because I said so” rationale for the parent’s exercise of authority. In contrast, New School methods are based on the principle of dialogue and agreement about right behavior. Old School methods demand obedience. New School methods invite cooperation. Old School methods impose limits and then impose punishments for children’s violations of parents’ rules. New School methods obtain agreements and then demand accountability for children’s breaking of their own agreements. Old School methods are rooted in children’s respect for their parents. New School methods are rooted in parents’ respect for their children. The Old School approach is traced back to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” The New School approach is traced back to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I am finding that parents who work at learning the skill sets I’m teaching (listening, illustrating, and disciplining) are beginning to move away from a total reliance on the Old School methods they learned from their parents, which come so naturally. They are starting to incorporate some new attitudes and techniques that at first feel  unnatural, almost like they’re “giving in” to their children. But they are getting remarkably better results in terms of child behavior. The yelling and arguments stop almost completely. Child resistance starts turning into cooperation. Disrespectful language is noticeably reduced or completely disappears. Children’s openness, trust, and even appreciation start to replace their guardedness, fear, and resentment.

Shared Decision-making

As parents incorporate New School techniques (which eventually become skills), they start sharing decision-making authority with their children by inviting input, asking questions, and coming to agreements about what proper behavior should be, what the child’s chores should be, and what the positive consequences should be, at least  in terms of the “big ticket” items. Of course, there’s a place for negative consequences too–but even these are negotiated with the child. Agreements start replacing rules.

This kind of “experimenting” works fine for parents as long as the child wants to “play ball.” If the resistant or defiant daughter isn’t willing to negotiate her chores and responsibilities, then as a last resort the parent imposes them–-along with negative and also positive consequences.

A Simple Tool

I’m finding that a simple tool works wonders. It helps parents and children negotiate agreements, and when a resistant child refuses to play ball by negotiating, it helps the parent spell out very clearly the basic parameters of the discipline system.

The “Responsibility Chart” identifies the child’s main responsibilities and consequences–-whether these are negotiated or imposed by the parent. The parent typically identifies one to ten areas of child responsibility and then invites the child’s ideas about what the specifics ought to be. Through a process of dialogue, they come to agreements (New School method as the first choice). If the recalcitrant daughter refuses to play ball, the parent(s) fills the chart out and hands this draft to the child, inviting her to give feedback by writing in changes over the next few days, or even a week or two. If the child still refuses to play ball, then what the parent wrote becomes “law” and is simply imposed (Old School method as the last resort).

Examples

An example of a mother’s use of the chart with a very resistive and disrespectful teenage daughter (“R”) can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_r.pdf . You can download another mother’s entries with a teenage son (“T”) who refused to negotiate with her by clicking Download responsibility_chart_t.pdf . For your own use, a blank chart can be downloaded by clicking Download responsibility_chart_blank.pdf . Of course, you can draw up your own too. It’s quite simple.

In R’s case, she refused to negotiate, mom’s draft became law, and “R” completely ignored it for more than two months. Mom strictly enforced all consequences. Then one day mom came home and found

The Lost Weekend?

This story occurred with two parents in one of my classes.

Mom, dad, and their son Bill, age 16, had a weekend away planned, and were to take Bill’s friend, Rex, also 16. Dad told Bill that he needed to do several things before they left, and if they were not accomplished, then “the weekend would not happen.” He gave Bill a sheet of paper with four items written down that Bill was expected to do: sweep the stairs to the basement, finish his homework, take out the garbage, and pack his own things for the weekend. When dad gave his son the paper, Bill angrily crumpled it up, threw it in the trash, and stomped off. It was obvious that he didn’t care to talk about his reaction to dad’s demands.

This incident was a critical moment, since it contained a child behavior that was emotionally intense and unacceptable to the parent (defiance). It was not a “Basket A” situation since it didn’t involve safety, but it wasn’t a Basket C situation either, as it could not be simply disregarded. So, it was a Basket B situation, one which required some kind of resolution.

However, Dad, was taken by surprise by the obviously angry act of defiance. In the heat of this instantaneous and unexpected battle, he made no attempt to use the listening skills (questions, acknowledgment, Active Listening) or the illustrating skills (modeling, I-messages, negotiating an agreement) at that moment in order to resolve the tension. Had he tried, Bill might have just ignored him and walked away anyway.

So mom and dad came to class on Thursday night in a quandary about what to do. Mom was supportive

Negotiating Agreements, Pt. 2: The "How-To"

The Agreement Conversation

In this process you use all the listening skills (questions, acknowledgment, active listening) and the illustrating skills (modeling and I-messages). While arriving at an agreement or resolution of something is truly important to you, what’s even more important in the long run is that the child is learning to respectfully negotiate a solution to a problem and reach an agreement that you can both live with.

The following steps might seem pretty complicated at first. But if you make this your standard M.O. (method of operation), you’ll get pretty good at it, and you’ll be able to do the whole process without even trying to concentrate on whether all the steps are being used. What’s even better, the child will also become capable, through practice, of intuitively using a very important life skill: negotiating solutions to relationship problems.

Step 1. Set the table. Here you invite the child to enter a dialogue with you about something you consider important. “Johnny, I’d like to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind for a while.” Or, “I’d like to get your help on solving a problem we’ve got around here.”

Step 2. State the problem as clearly as you can. Give your reason(s) as to why you think it’s a problem. “The problem I have is that the garbage bag gets full, starts to smell, and nobody takes it out. I really don’t like smelling garbage in the kitchen.” Don’t propose the solution. Don’t start out by saying

Negotiating Agreements, Pt. 1: The Rationale

The Agreement Conversation

Agreements with children are much more effective than “rules.” When a child makes an agreement with you, they are more likely to observe it than the are to obey a “rule” that was imposed against their will. I refer to this conversation as the “agreement conversation."

Once an agreement is reached, the child can be held accountable for breaking it, and you should expect that they will, often enough, break their agreements. At that time you will want to hold them accountable for breaking their agreement, and you can do that by entering what I refer to as the “You-and-Me Dialogue,” which I have written about in a different post on this site. For now, I'm interested in discussing the "why" of negotiating things--anything--with children. In part 2 of this article, I'll address the details of "how" to do it.

The Golden Rule

In both the “Agreement Conversation” and the “You-and-Me Dialogue” you are inviting the child to verbalize their ideas and feelings about an issue, and listening to what they say. If you can genuinely see your child as being a person whom you take seriously, and who has ideas and feelings that you honor

Notes on Parent-Child Harmony, Pt. 2

In my previous article, Notes on Parent-Child Harmony-Pt 1, I described the dynamics of harmony in music as an example of why the parent must be the first to change when parent and child are in conflict, or discord.

In this article I want to describe the steps a parent can take to bring a conflictual or discordant parent-child situation into harmony.

A “Time In”

These steps constitute a “backing off” by the parent from the discord and conflict of the moment. Rather than giving a misbehaving or angry child a “time out” or a tongue lashing,  the parent gives the angry or misbehaving child a “time in” by engaging with the child and getting in harmony with his/her upset feelings and desires at the moment.  The parent elevates the interaction to a higher level by backing off from the war of wills in order to harmonize with the child’s “vibrations”  and thus give the child a chance to settle down, which is likely to happen when the child feels s/he is being acknowledged.

Steps to achieve harmony in the moment

Once the parent changes their own note to vibrate in harmony with child’s feeling or desires, and  the child is given empathic attention, s/he is likely to calm down. There is harmony for the moment. Then

Notes on Parent-Child Harmony, Pt. 1

Harmony in a relationship is a lot like harmony in music.

In music, two or more notes harmonize when the wave lengths of  their respective vibrations produce a pleasing sound. You do not have to be a musician or mathematician to know when they are discordant, or not in harmony. They don’t sound good together. There’s nothing wrong with either note, of course. They are equally good and legitimate notes. They just don’t sound pleasing to the ear when played together. You could say they are “fighting” each other.

So too in a relationship. Two people who are not “on the same wave length” could be said to be discordant, or fighting each other in some way. Add a third person who is not on the same “wave length” either, and you’ve got a real mess.

Disharmony in the Parent-Child Relationship

Let’s focus on the parent-child relationship. (What follows could be said about a relationship between any two adults, as well.) An argumentative, whining, or uncooperative child could be said to be “out of tune” with their parent, or not on the same “wave length” as the parent.

By the same token, you could say that the parent would be “out of tune” with the child. Both have

Control Survey

Behavior control in interpersonal relationships is always a key issue. It can ruin marriages, create tension and resentment between spouses, parents and children, and almost any other kind of human relationship. Behavior control is the name of the game in power and control struggles.

I invite you to take this 20-statement, true-false survey. Please see scoring instructions at the end, as well as my email link. I will be happy to provide you with an interpretation of your score, with a few comments that I hope will be helpful to you in ALL your significant relationships.

Please record a T (True) or F (False) in the margin of each of the following sentences.

1. There are times when I think my child is controlling my reactions to him/her.

2. There are times when I think I am controlling my child’s reactions to me.

3. At times my child is so manipulative that s/he can actually control other people.

4. I can make my child feel however I want him/her to feel.

5. There are times when I can make my child do what I want.

My Philosophy on Parenting and the Future

Planet Earth is in serious trouble because of a convergence of numerous, complex, and catastrophic threats to the survival of billions of humans and untold numbers of plants and animals: the web of life on earth. Economic disparity and instability. Racism, terrorism, violence, and other forms of intolerance and exclusion. War. Abuse, cruelty, and slavery. Addictions. Global warming, pollution, waste, and other environmental disasters. These are all caused by human self-centeredness, fear,  arrogance, greed, and anger: in a word, ego.

At the same time, this great country is in serious trouble because of the convergence of those very same threats within our individual states and local communities. The cause is human self-centeredness, arrogance, greed, fear, and anger: in a word, ego.

At the same time, the families that make up our communities are in serious trouble because of the convergence of those very same threats within the individuals that comprise our families. Again, the cause is human self-centeredness, arrogance, greed, fear, and anger: in a word, ego.

The only way of counteracting these trends, and the suffering and dis-ease they inflict upon individuals, families, communities, and nations, is a deep awakening of the human spirit in massive numbers of individuals. Some see this awakening as a spiritual phenomenon, some as a religious phenomenon,

Harmony House

Here are the basics for achieving harmony in the home, harmony in parent-child relationships, and harmony in adult relationships as well.

Any loving, mutually-rewarding relationship has certain requirements. Just as in building a house, you must start with a strong foundation. The foundation of any relationship is LISTENING. It is here that the attitudes of acceptance and respect lead to the development of trust. Without trust, the house (relationship) crumbles.

The goal of listening is to understand. There are three essential skills to good listening, and each is intended to invite the other person to say more, so you can understand better.

The three listening skills are: