by Chuck Adam
I like helping parents focus on their listening as a means of helping children. It means you, the parent, have to back off. Instead of trying to pound something into the child’s head, invite the child to bring whatever is in there out. You have to be patient, back off, and wait till they’re ready. It’s the reverse of what we normally do, how we normally communicate with kids, where we too often boss them around.
Here’s a good example, recorded in one of my parent classes, of how a father started backing off with his seven-year-old daughter and listening to her. He said he had just recently stopped yelling at her and wasn’t bossing her around. Look what happened.
Dad: Now this is, I was telling everybody, she really had a terrible Wednesday. And when she came home I read her assignment notebook, and there was a letter in there from the teacher saying that she hadn’t listened, and she was....completely didn’t do anything all day long. So when she came home, to make a long story short, we didn’t even get home, and she said, “Daddy, my teacher sent a note home today.” And I said, “Well, what was wrong?” And she wouldn’t tell me. So I just......dropped it. And we got home, and I read this note, and, uh, I said, “Well what do you think we should do about this?”
CA: Beautiful!
That really WAS beautiful. Dad expressed interest, but when she wouldn’t tell him what went wrong at school, he just dropped it. He invited. She backed off. So he backed off, too. Good move, Dad! Later she brings it up again, which often happens when they don’t feel pressured. Then,
Dad has a stroke of genius. Instead of lecturing or trying to teach her something, he asks “What do you think WE should do about this?”
Dad: Yeah. I don’t know what possessed me to do that, but I said....what.....what....
CA: It was divine inspiration! (Laughter.)
Dad: And, uh, she said, “I don’t know.” And I said, “Well, okay.” And uh, uh, right before I tucked her in she said, uh, “What I think I’m gonna do, Dad, is write my teacher a note, an apology note.” And she did it on her own.
CA: Wow!
Again, a beautiful thing. Dad let Sheri take the lead on what to do, and when she said she didn’t know what to do, he back off. AGAIN. Good move, Dad! Sheri thinks about it and comes up with her own solution in her own good time. And then she tells Dad, and takes the initiative to do it on her own. Wow. But again, this is not uncommon when kids are given space.
Dad: She wrote in her, ahh, you know, misspelled words, and the whole nine yards, and gave it to her teacher. And then, that was Wednesday, and then Thursday she had an absolutely wonderful day, and the teacher gave her a hug after she gave her the note, and everything. So it was, it was kind of weird.
CA: It was wonderful.
Weird, wonderful, whatever!
Dad: And I mean, like, for years I was trying to get her to clean her room, and the last two weeks she’s actually....like, last night she said, “Dad, what should I do?” And I said, “I don’t know...You got some time? Uh, maybe you could pick up your room a little bit.” So she went in her room, and she picked up her closet and everything, and she put a new bedspread on her, on her bed. And I was doing something on the computer, and she brought me four or five pillows, and my part in helping her was to put the pillowcases on. And she, she didn’t make her bed or anything this morning, but, uh, you know, one thing at a time.
Look at this! She asks dad for his opinion! He keeps it low key–-“I don’t know.” Then, IF you have some time,...” and he makes a suggestion. He’s tried for years to get her to do this, and she has fought him all the way. All of a sudden, what a reversal. Then, she brings him the pillows so he can help her. What child does NOT enjoy doing things in a relaxed, free and easy way with their parents?
CA: Yeah, that’s right! One thing at a time. What you shared with us is great. Something is happening with that kid, and it’s because of you. You are changing something in how you’re coming across. You’re not yelling, you’re backing off a little bit, and this is great. And she’s getting that message. And now she’s responding differently. That’s what happens.
Yes, that’s what happens. Dad is helping his daughter change by giving her more elbow room. He’s backing off, not yelling, not bossing, not trying to force her to do things or to talk. And what happens? She starts to come around on her own. This is a big victory for dad. A victory over himself and his impulse to control her behavior. He’s now controlling his own behavior. That’s a winning formula.
This is why I like to say “listening is 90% of communication.” Try backing off and experimenting with it.
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