She Won't Listen

by Chuck Adam

The single most common complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.

In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue.  Really, what can you do if you can’t talk something like this through with the other person  (no matter what their age)? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished (called “Teaching Children to Listen”) reported, as they always do, that things started improving almost immediately when they used this “secret” technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too.)

The secret technique for getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.

Here’s why. You have to start with something you can control. Now, you can control what you say and how you say it. And you already know that yelling at her to get her to listen to you doesn't work. So you know you might as well try something else. Now, you can't control her listening, but you can control your own (by keeping your mouth shut, paying attention, and astking questions that invite her to say more).

So, start with what you can control. Now it just so happens that listening is the single

most powerful thing you can do in a relationship. That’s why I’ve been saying for 35 years, "Listening is 90% of communication."

God gave us two ears, two eyes, and one mouth. Four out of five of those organs are for taking information in, and only one is for speaking it out. That’s 80% right there! Beyond that, though, listening has such incredible value and power in any  relationship that it counts for another 10%, or all told, 90% of what constitutes good communication.

Consider the following.

1. Listening is the one and only thing I have ever found that one person can do for another that is never wrong! Any other kind or loving gesture can, given the person and the circumstances, be wrong, offensive, or unwelcome. Not so with listening.

2. The goal of listening is to understand where another is coming from, to understand something s/he is trying to convey, or his/her thoughts and feelings. And who doesn’t want to be understood? Who does not want to be listened to? The biggest complaint people have about each other is, “S/he doesn’t listen to me.” So when I listen, I communicate “I’m here; I care; I acknowledge you and respect you.” When I listen, I communicate, “I care enough about you to put out the effort to try to understand you.”

3. And guess what! Listening actually does create understanding--understanding where the other is coming from, why they say what they say, how they feel, why they do things I might not like. It means I want to, and actively try to, empathize with their position. This is all the more difficult when they think and feel differently from me. Think about it: Listening is the only way to gain that understanding.

Here’s a few more things that are challenging, and may be the reason others may not be listening to you.  Because they are challenging, you may need to teach them to the other person first, before they will listen to you. More reasons by listening is 90% of communication.

4. Listening is harder work than speaking. It’s much easier for me to shoot my mouth off than listen to someone else shoot their mouth off. It takes real  mental work to follow what they say, put myself in their place, and  not interrupt, especially if I disagree with what I’m hearing, or if I think I know what they’re going to say. I might feel I’m right, and they’re wrong. I might think I must defend myself. When I listen I let go of defending.

5. Listening means I will be changed. This is threatening. If I truly hear and empathize with the other, I will have my own views about him/her changed by new information.  And I don’t know how I will be changed. It means letting go of what I think in order to tune in to the other. It’s like being in a rowboat and leaving my safe and familiar little mooring in the fog, knowing I won’t get back to the same safe and familiar mooring, and yet not knowing exactly where I’ll end up. This is indeed kind of scary!

6. I will hear things I don’t want to hear. My ego might say, “This hurts!” Listening might make me feel like I’m giving up, or giving in, or paying attention to stuff I consider nonsense, or insulting. It takes courage. It’s easier to defend my own position than to be influenced enough by another that I must now integrate a new perspective into how I see him or her. Ego says, “s/he should be listening to me,” especially if s/he is my child. Listening requires ignoring all this, and putting my ego its place.

7. Listening takes time that I might not have. So ego pipes up with, “I’m too busy and they talk too much. And they’re not saying anything worthwhile anyway. I don’t need or want to hear it. I know what they’re going to say anyway, so it’s easier to interrupt and get the whole thing over with. Why should I waste my time?”

8. Best of all, listening builds trust like nothing else can. If I can listen to you without judging, criticizing, interrupting, defending, or belittling, you will start to be honest and trust me with your innermost truths. Only then is real dialogue possible.

So, s/he won’t listen? By far the best way encourage him/her to listen to you, since you don’t have a remote control to their brain, is to put the ball in your own court, and you start listening to them. The many parents in my classes who do this and report positive results can’t be wrong!