I like to use the volcano as an analogy to represent the human being. It's alive, and beautiful, and when it erupts it can be dangerous and destructive. What we see above ground, a beautiful mountain, represents the body, the behavior, what's on the outside. This is what we see and hear coming from another person. But even more important than that behavior (as unacceptable, defiant, or disrespectful as it might be), is what motivates and determines it. And that motivation is hidden inside, invisible to outsiders. That is where the heat, tension, passion, and pressure are being generated that can erupt in angry and even violent behavior. And it's always two things that motivate and determine all people's behavior, at all times, even young children: thoughts and feelings. These are not directly visible to parents, and parents cannot control them in their children. But too often parents don't deal with them effectively, and they instead focus just on the child's disruptive or disagreeable behavior (e.g., "Stop that right now!" "Do what I told you!" "Go to your room!"). When this happens, they are missing the boat. In fact, they might very possibly be sparking even greater anger (and pain) in the child. They might be thus unwittingly inviting an even more intensely negative behavioral response from the child--just the opposite of what they are trying to achieve in those critical moments before the "volcano" erupts.
For a diagram of the Volcano Theory, along with some crucial insights about control of child behavior, please click on the following link: Download volcano_theory.pdf . Notice especially the kicker: #8, and think about my recommendation, #9.
For a diagram of the interaction between parent and child that might lead to an explosion of angry or otherwise unacceptable behavior, please click on the following link: Download anatomy_of_a_volcanic_eruption.pdf . The parent often has only about three or four opportunities to say or do something (under mounting pressure!) before the explosion occurs. Three strikes and you're out!
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