Parent-Child Harmony

As a Parent . . .

Are you —

   • At the end of your rope?
   • Yelling too much?
   • Feeling frustrated, angry, confused, manipulated, hopeless?
   • Feeling ineffective, powerless?
   • Unsure of yourself?
   • Being misled by experts whose ideas don’t work?
   • Exhausted from trying too hard?
   • Trying to be both mother and father?
   • Looking for better, practical ideas that actually work?
   • Open to experimenting with new ideas?
   • Hoping to find the “magic wand”? (There IS one!)

Does your child —

   • Manipulate you?
   • Embarrass you?
   • Defy you, disobey you, ignore you, disrespect you, or blow you off?
   • Make poor decisions?
   • Not learn from consequences?
   • Hang with the wrong peers?
   • Stay out too late?
   • Get in trouble at school or in the community?
   • Argue, yell, fight, hit, or bite?
   • Not do homework?
   • Not do what he’s told?
   • Not get off the computer?
   • Throw tantrums, whine, slam doors, break things?
   • Seem out of control?

Have you —

   • Been feeling angry, hopeless, like giving up?
   • Tried everything, to no avail?
   • Been in counseling or therapy with no or poor results?
   • Searched the interned for answers?
   • Read books and articles that just don’t help?
   • Talked with your friends and family too much?
   • Hospitalized your child?

If you answered “yes” to three or more of the above questions, you are under tremendous stress.

But you've come to the right place!

It might seem like there’s no way out. You might even be feeling desperate or thinking about legally having someone else care for your kid(s).

You are not alone! And you are NOT a bad parent! You love your child dearly, and still you might feel unappreciated or unloved in return. You might feel they are out to get you.

That's not the case. They are NOT out to get you. They are out to get what they feel they need from you--and they are doing it in a primitive, immature, self-centered way either because that's the only way they know how, or that's the way they have learned works best.

They want your permission, your help, your attention, and your energy--even if it's negative, angry energy. And they do get it, don't they?

Before I get into what you can do about this, let's take a look at three reasons why your child's unacceptable, out-of-control, primitive, and self-centered behaviors are driving you nuts.

The Problem with Punishments

Punishing children creates a number of problems, which, when taken together, are serious and counterproductive. In general, punishments are an invitation to trouble, and often carry with them significant, unintended, negative consequences. Punishments should therefore be avoided with all children, no matter their age. There are better ways than punishments for dealing with children’s unacceptable behavior. More about that later. First, let’s consider some of the problems with punishments.

1.   Punishments are often ineffective. Parents run out of things to take away. Children often reach a point where they just don’t care what punishment the parent imposes. Mountains of research over the  years conclusively demonstrate that positive consequences (rewards and appreciation) are far more effective than negative consequences (punishments) in influencing children to behave well. (This is true even with animals.) I have heard many, many parents in my classes say that punishments usually don’t deter anything. They just make things worse as the child becomes even more resistant or disobedient.

2.    Punishments are hurtful “power and control” tactics, and are really a form of bullying. In our culture the word “discipline” has come to mean “punishment.” The purpose of punishment is to inflict some kind of pain with the hope of both teaching a lesson and deterring future misbehavior. Unfortunately, it’s intended to teach children to behave properly by scaring them into submission. The real lesson that punishment teaches, then, is that when someone doesn’t do what you want, you try to hurt them and/or scare them into submission to your will. Parents are in many ways more powerful than children, and parents who punish use their power to “bully” the child into submission.

3.   Through punishments children learn to bully. Children learn what they experience and what their parents model.  Thus, punishments really teach them the wrong lesson: namely, “I’ll hurt you if you don’t give in to my will.” This is not only bullying, but also the perfect recipe for creating a bully. Ever wonder why bullying in schools is so widespread? Or why stronger siblings bully weaker ones? Perhaps it’s because parents routinely bully children with punishments and thus inadvertently teach children that it’s okay to hurt someone weaker than you in order to get them to bend to obey you. On the other hand, children raised by parents who use little punishment, but instead use more effective interpersonal skills in response to misbehavior, are not likely to bully weaker peers or siblings.

4.   Beyond bullying, children learn that violence is acceptable. American society is perhaps the most violent society in the world. Could it be that a major contributing factor is the way we raise our children, by using varying degrees of violent behavior from verbal bullying to physical abuse, to “beat them into submission”? I am referring here to verbal bullying and abuse as well as physical, and I’m calling all of it a form of violence against children. And it is completely unnecessary.

5.    Inflicting pain is not a loving act.  The end does not justify the means. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Rather than seeing a child’s misbehavior as an expression of his needs for autonomy and independence, or his need to vent anger, the parent who punishes sees only bad behavior and uses his/her power to inflict pain in an attempt to reduce or eradicate it. However, children are by definition immature, and their methods of getting their needs met or of expressing anger are likely to be self-centered, immature, and primitive. Isn’t this to be expected? Their misbehavior is often the result of a self-centered attitude that causes pain or injury to others–-perhaps intended, perhaps unintended. In any event, children need to be taught to express themselves in loving ways that do not harm others. And parents need to be the ones who do the teaching.

6.    Punishments make parents the enemy, not the ally. In the eyes of the child, the parent is now the bad guy who, by inflicting pain, unwittingly invites from the child an anger response and a desire for “payback.” This has the effect of the parent inviting exactly what s/he does not want: greater defiance, more disobedience, and continued unacceptable behavior. The child learns to fight back by “pushing the parent's buttons,” which is her way of using her own unrefined power to express anger and to bully the parent.

7.    Inflicting pain on children causes guilt reactions in parents. This is a powerful indicator that there is something inherently wrong with inflicting pain with punishments. Yet many Old School parenting experts and authors recommend it anyway, and expect parents to tolerate their guilt by going against what they instinctively know and feel. Inflicting pain is not a loving act, no matte how you cut it. I say, “Let your conscience be your guide.” If your behavior creates a guilt response in you, then you might just be doing the wrong thing, by your own standards. Your own conscience, your Higher Self, is telling you something important. Thank God you can feel it! A small percentage of sociopathic parents abuse and harm their children because they have no conscience and feel no guilt, and don’t know a better way. Don’t let Old School parenting experts talk you into acting like a sociopath.

8.    Punishments encourage children to get better at hiding their misbehaviors. I doubt very much that children who are treated with respect by their parents, and who are taught how to care about others by their parents, will turn to bullying younger, weaker, or more timid peers. To the contrary, children whose parents have the ability to use misbehaviors as occasions for teaching children better relationship skills will actually learn a better way.

9.   Most parents punish because they don’t know a better way. In other words, when parents punish, they show their ignorance. Now, ignorance is not a bad thing, and I’m not blaming parents for being ignorant. It just means they haven’t learned something better. Parents raised by Old School, power-and-control parents, and taught by Old School power-and-control experts, quite naturally haven’t learned alternatives to Old School methods, even though those methods may not feel right or may be counterproductive. They need to learn a way of dealing with children’s misbehaviors that teaches children how they affect others and how to get their needs met in socially acceptable ways.

10.   Parents rationalize that punishments are not only necessary but beneficial. Many parents in my classes argue that punishments are good. Their own parents used them, and they turned out fine. They maintain that punishments did indeed deter their bad behavior, and they say they learned important life lessons from punishments. To that I say, “Are those methods working with your children?” They usually say “No.” Beyond this, many say they have not had a good relationship with their parents, evan as adults, due largely to the way they were treated. The lesson here is that as Old School, power and control methods, punishments may be effective in the short term, but they often produce long-term damage to the parent-child relationship. What parent would knowingly invite that?

11.   Punishments can relieve a child of guilt for doing wrong. In many cases punishments have what on the surface appears to be a short-term advantage: children often feel they deserve to be punished, after which they feel relieved. What could be wrong with that? While societal punishment after a crime may have merit as a deterrent with criminals who feel no remorse, it’s not that way with children in the family. A pattern of a) lack of self-control, b) guilt, c) punishment, and d) relief may inculcate a desire, based on fear, of not getting caught next time. But does it teach the child why what he did is wrong?

12.   Punishments do not exact from the child a commitment to do better next time. Punishment might relieve guilt, but where is the personal commitment to do better next time? Finding relief for guilt through punishment is a sorry substitute for a child learning empathy, respect, self-control, and effective relationship skills.

At the beginning of this section I mentioned that there are better ways than punishments for dealing with children’s unacceptable behavior. What are they? I referred several times to the answer: effective relationship skills. If parents really want to teach children appropriate behaviors and how to be caring, responsible, and cooperative, then teaching them to develop effective relationship skills is the way to do it.

So, what are these effective relationship skills? And how is a parent to teach them? In this book I am presenting parents with nine key relationship skills–three listening skills, three illustrating (speaking) skills, and three disciplining skills. Parents who already use them well naturally, or learn to use them by practicing them, will almost assuredly teach them to their children. Why? Because children learn to do what they see their parents doing. The long and the short of it comes down to this: instead of rules and punishments (the Old School approach) I am proposing agreements and accountability (the New School approach). I’m arguing that parents who effectively use listening skills and illustrating skills can then effectively use discipline skills-–one of which is holding the child accountable for misbehavior that breaks their own agreement with the parent.

So, take heart! You can stop using punishments, just as you can stop using other power and control tactics, like yelling. I always say that practicing techniques equals developing skills. By practicing the techniques presented in this book you will learn and also teach the relationship skills that make punishments unnecessary. And that learning and teaching is what discipline is all about.

Thoughts about James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program

There are a lot of things I like about James Lehman’s, and a lot of things I do not like about it. The following comments are based on a study of Lehman’s Total Transformation Program Workbook. I have not listened to the extensive audio or the video programs. Still, I think my comments are a relatively accurate and complete summary of Lehman’s concepts and his approach to parenting children with extremely difficult behaviors.

First, the Things I Like

First of all, I like the fact that he presents parents with a coherent, well-designed, and extensive program for dealing with very assertive, obnoxious, and abusive (both physical and verbal) child behavior. This is certainly a challenge, especially considering that he addresses much of what he says to obnoxious and abusive teenage behavior. He uses video and audio presentations and an extensive workbook as well as offering email contact and advice to parents on his website.

Second, I like the fact that he identifies faulty thinking on the part of the child as the real cause of disrespectful, obnoxious, and abusive behavior. “Inappropriate behavior can best be understood as actions triggered by the need to compensate for an endless variety of perceptions, thoughts and feelings that the child finds disturbing but is unable to resolve” (Total Transformation Workbook, p. 13). Limited and/or ineffective ability to solve problems is what impels children to engage in disrespectful, obnoxious, and abusive behavior. This is a good insight. Along these lines, he does not fall into the Old School belief that punishments for bad behavior are the way to change it.

Third, he presents the program in a structured set of lessons, each with practical and realistic explanations of obnoxious child behaviors and the faulty thinking that spawns that behavior, as well as explanations of ineffective parenting roles that tend to undercut parents’ influence and effectiveness in dealing with very difficult child behaviors.

Old School and New School Parenting: Alfie Kohn's Thoughts

In his book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason-- A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline (Atria, 2005), Alfie Kohn writes:

The shift away from older methods, however, has to be accomplished by a shift in goal. Specifically, our main question shouldn’t be “How do I get my child to do what I say?” but “What does my child need–and how can I meet those needs?” In my experience, you can predict much of what happens in families just from knowing which of those questions is more important to the parents. You don’t even have to know the answers they’ve found–that is, which tactics are used to get compliance (in the first case), or what t he child is thought to need (in the second). The questions are what count.

To focus on children’s needs, and to work with them to make sure these needs are met, constitutes a commitment to taking children seriously. It means treating them as people whose feelings and desires and questions matter. A child’s preferences can’t always be accommodated, but they can always be considered, and they need never be dismissed out of hand. It’s important to see a child as someone with a unique point of view, with very real fears and concerns (often quite different from our own), and with a distinctive way of reasoning (which is not merely “cute”).

In other words, to make the shift from Old School to New School parenting methods requires not just doing things differently. It also requires a change in how we think about children–a change in our attitude toward them, which actually precedes any change in what we do. It’s not going to be enough to decide that I’m going to stop yelling at my kids. The question is, “Why?” Why would I want to stop yelling at my kids? Is it because somebody told me it’s not nice, and I really do want to be nice to my kids? Is it because by my yelling at this child, I encourage her to yell at me, and at her younger siblings? In these cases I am letting myself in for a punishment of sorts, one that I will find unpleasant to me. In these cases I’m simply looking out for my own ego: I’m going to stop yelling at my kids because it will make me feel better and makes life easier for me. I think there’s more to this–the child’s needs, for example.

What about my attitude about this child? These children? How do I think about them? If’ I’m going to make a shift in my behavior away from yelling, wouldn’t it be closer to the truth to do it because my child doesn’t deserve to be yelled at (which is disrespectful) than because his response will make life easier for me? The one reason pertains to the child’s needs. The other pertains to me and my ego needs (to be “in control,” for example). So, whom am I putting first here? Basing my decision on my child’s needs instead of my ego means changing my attitude from “it’ll benefit me” to “it’s what the child needs.” It means really living by the attitude that “the child is a person just like me, and their needs count just as much as mine–if not more–since I am responsible for raising them to be responsible.” Whatever I want for myself I want for my child. Like respect, honesty, freedom, independence, appropriate protection, choice, creativity, comfort, acceptance, love, understanding, nurturing, and cooperation.

If I see these as some of the things my child needs from me, and if my most important question is “How can I meet these needs of my child?” then the question “How can I get my child to do what I say?” becomes almost irrelevant–and even misguided--comparison.

Of course, we want to raise our children to be responsible and cooperative. How do we do that while meeting their needs? This is the topic of my writings on discipline and Old School and New School parenting on this website.

Old School to New School Shift

How does a parent make the shift from Old School methods based on power, control, and punishments, and that aim at obedience, to New School methods that are based on negotiation, agreements, and accountability, and aim at cooperation?

To download an easy-to-read chart that depicts how to make this shift little by little when rules are broken, click on this link:

     Download Old_School_to_New_School_Shift_a_cht.pdf (43.8K)

 To read an article highlighting a few insights on this topic from noted author Alfie Kohn, click here.

Two Different Approaches to Parenting: Old School and New School

The single biggest problem that parents present in my classes and coaching is control of their children’s behaviors. I should say, misbehaviors. So many children are resistive, argumentative, stubborn, rude, even defiant toward their parents. The parents’ problem is that the parenting methods their own parents used with them (which actually worked quite well) simply are not working well with many of these bright, articulate, independent-minded, but immature and self-centered children.

What I call the Old School methods might, indeed, work well in many families today, where the children are more easy-going and compliant. But in many stressed families, the Old School approach isn’t cutting it. What’s needed is a more sophisticated, more thoughtful approach. And I call it the New School approach to parenting. Here’s a very brief comparison of the two methods.

The Old School Approach to Parenting

For eons, right up till today, the idea of parental authority in raising children has meant top-down authority, with the parents making rules, setting expectations, and demanding compliance or obedience from children. This is not a bad model. The paradigm, or model, for this approach can be summed up this way: 1) the parent has the authority and does most of the talking, including 2) establishment of the rules; 3) the child is expected to obey; and 4) the parent punishes resistance or disobedience in order to encourage compliance.

Parents Speak -----> Rules ------> Obedience ------> Punishment

Again, this is not a bad model. After all, parents do know better than children how the home should be run, what proper behavior is, and what the rules should be. But this model does not work well when commands and punishments are ineffective.

Commands and punishments are often ineffective today because children want their own way, and often do not like being told what to do. (I must say, I don’t blame them–I don’t like being told what to do either!) They have at their disposal highly sophisticated toys and influential networks of other children which stoke the fires of curiosity, independence, and autonomy within them. They often develop their own ways of defying parental rules and expectations, as they become more connected to the world outside the home, more savvy, more desirous of innumerable attractions, and more strong-willed than perhaps we were as children. They might evade their parents’ guidance by getting caught up in sophisticated electronic games, the internet, cell phones, and other influences beyond their parents’ reach.

For parents who are separated or divorced, and suffering the pain of being a single parent who might have enduring conflicts with the other parent, the challenge can be even greater. Children of separation or divorce are almost always confused, hurt, and resentful. They are always sad that their parents couldn’t make it work and often feel that one or both parents have, at least to some extent, abandoned them. They are also immature, and easily find ways to play their parents against each other to get what they want. (Of course, children of positive mother-father relationships find ways to play them against each other too.)

So what are parents to do when the Old School model does not work well with their children? A new, more sophisticated approach to parenting that I call “New School” can be far more effective with strong-willed, independent-minded children. Because this is a more sophisticated model for parents to use in raising children, it can succeed very well where the Old School methods fail and when children don’t comply the way we expect them to. Why?

The New School Approach to Parenting

How to Teach Children Self-Control 2: An Example

In my work with families as a coach and educator, I suggest that parents use a variety of different methods of teaching self-control to kids, and to not use punishments.

In my own conversations with parents and children, I often like to make the idea of self-control a central focus of our conversations. When I do this, I am constantly amazed and positively impressed by how well children who demonstrate serious lack of self-control in their daily lives really do understand what it means, and also find the resources within themselves to use it. Here are two examples.

“Wave Your Hands”

Brian, 7 years old, had for quite some time been creating all sorts of problems in the family, with friends, and at school by impulsively erupting into fits of rage whenever he would perceive himself as “losing” in a game or “failing” at some activity. For example, when playing a game with friends he was told by a playmate that he was “the loser.” He went berserk, shouting and hitting, and his mother (who was present) could do nothing to effectively interrupt it or calm him down. When his older brother called him a “stupid boy,” the same thing happened. This behavior was creating serious problems for Brian and his family in many situations.

While discussing these kinds of incidents with Brian and his mother in a coaching session, I asked Brian if he knew what “self-control” means. He said he did not. So I explained that self-control means a person controls themself, and no one else does. When I do something with my hands or feet, or say something with my mouth, it’s me who is controlling my own body, and not someone else controlling me. I’m controlling myself. When he does something with his hands or his feet (he added, “or my elbows”), or says something with his mouth, it is he who is controlling his body and doing or saying those things, and not someone else. He agreed and seemed to fully understand.

So I decided to illustrate this rather self-evident (to me, at least) principle with a concrete example by engaging Brian in a little exercise of self-control. It went like this.

How to Teach Chldren Self-Control - 1

I define self-control as the ability to select an appropriate response to a feeling or thought from among a number of possibilities.

If you accept the assumptions of the Volcano Theory, and if you accept that control over another’s behavior is a delusion (a belief falsely held), then how are you to “manage” or “govern” your child’s behavior? How are you to “get” him or “make” him do the right thing, or do what you want him to do, or behave the way you “need” him to behave?

The answer to these questions is really quite simple. You can’t. So you will stop trying to do the impossible. This means you will stop giving punishments, too.

What?!? Stop trying to make your child do the right thing? Stop punishing bad behavior?

Then what about the child who never picks up her toys? What about the toddler running blindly into the street? Or hitting her mother? Or biting her brother? What about all her unacceptable behavior at school, or in the neighborhood, or in your home? What about your teenager stealing, or fighting, or cheating, or cursing?

Again, you’ll stop trying to make her do the right thing. What am I talking about??

Restraint as appropriate parental control

Let’s consider the toddler running into street or hitting her mother. In these cases, where safety or violence is a real issue, you’ll do whatever you can to make her stop. Yes! That’s the right thing, the preferable thing for you to do. You’ll grab her, hold her, pick her up and carry her, and in this way stop her from doing the dangerous or violent thing (as long as she’s not too big). Likewise, you may want to carry your toddler out of the restaurant or the store if she is making a real scene and disturbing you or others too much with her misbehavior or tantrum.

In these situation you really are (appropriately) taking control of the child’s unacceptable behavior by shutting it down. No argument there! You are in certain sense shutting down unacceptable behavior in much the same that a person is shut down being put in a straight jacket, or locked up in a prison cell. In cases where safety and/or violence is the issue at hand, you are physically, and appropriately, going to physically restrain your child (it she’s not too big).

Beyond child restraint

But these forms of physical restraint don’t–-and can’t-–take the next step and make the unruly child do what you are convinced s/he should do, or do what you want or need them to do, or do the right thing. This simple truth is that the young persons, just like we adults do, will do what they decide to do, what they want to do, even it’s dangerous (running into the street) or violent (hitting or biting), or just plain wrong (cheating, lying, stealing, etc.). And the vast majority of the time you can’t stop them or restrain them from doing it.

The only way they’ll do the right things, the things you want them to do, is if they themselves want to do them. That’s because it’s their thoughts and their feelings that shape, determine, and motivate their behavior at all times–not your thoughts and your feelings. That’s why I always say that the best you can get from your child, and what you really want, is their cooperation, where they want to do what you want them to do.

Most of what I write about and teach is concerned with helping parents 1) understand that influence is not control, and that they can only invite their children to do the right thing and 2) learn some good techniques (skills) to help them do that inviting more effectively than the Old School power and control tactics do. But here I am concerned with the challenge that parents face in helping their children to learn and practice better self-control. I want to help you, the parent, get some insights into how you can use your influence (not control) over your child to teach them the importance of controlling their behavior in socially appropriate ways–that is, cooperative and caring ways. To be successful in relationships and happy in life, children really do need to learn self-control, and learn that it is a big deal–and that it’s rewarding to boot.

Teaching self-control

So how does a parent use his/her influence to teach a child self-control? Specifically, how do you help your young child learn that self-control is necessary, possible, and rewarding? I’m going to propose a

Obedience or Cooperation?

NOTE: This piece is written from the Dad’s perspective. It can just as appropriately be read from the Mom’s perspective.

If you as a parent are confident enough, you might speak to your child along the following lines – at any time, really, but especially during the You-and-Me Dialogue, when you have a conversation with the child about how the two of you treat each other.

“My strongest desire is for you to be growing as a person, to be responsible, caring, and cooperative. And if you are growing as a person, you will be doing things like speaking honestly, showing respect for others, cooperating with others, listening to others, caring about others as well as yourself, doing what you say you will do, making responsible decisions, giving an accounting for your decisions and behavior, questioning your own motives as to selfishness, and giving evidence of your belief in the Golden Rule. You will be treating others as you wish to be treated.

“And I’ll be seeing all of that in you. In how you talk to your parents and your brothers and sisters, to your friends, to your teachers, and to everybody else. I’ll be seeing how you deal with all of us day-to-day. I’ll be seeing you doing your work conscientiously. I’ll be seeing you–in one way or another–thinking through your values and maybe even questioning some of your ideas or  assumptions. I’ll be seeing you act with self-discipline. I’ll be very proud of you.

“Doesn’t it make sense that I would much prefer to see you doing all those good things, instead of just being obedient, and bending your will to my will because you are afraid of a negative consequence?

“I hope you don’t think that I, as a father who loves you and wants the best for you, prefers to inflate my own ego with a sense of power over you rather than lending you a hand in becoming the best person you can be. I hope you don’t think that I would prefer to see you in pain–like being punished or being afraid of some punishment-–rather than see you joyful, and happy, and good about yourself. Which of these-–your cooperation or your obedience--do you think makes me feel better about you? And better about myself as a father?

“Personally, I hope you understand how it is that I really want your cooperation with me and your mom, rather than your obedience. And I would hope that you, too, see voluntary, caring cooperation as much better for you than obedience could ever be.

“Essentially, I hope you can see this difference as being the difference between love and fear as the motivation for your behavior.

“So, honey, what do you think about all this? Which do you think is better: obedience or cooperation?”

Giving Children Choices

The beauty of giving a child a choice is that the child exercises control of his or her behavior with the parent’s blessing. The parent must be able to live with either choice the child makes. Take a look at two variations on offering choices.The first formula is a straightforward choice between two options. In the second formula, a positive consequence is proposed to the child if she makes one choice, and a negative consequence is proposed if she makes the other choice. In this way the child chooses the positive or negative consequence freely, freeing the parent from the blame for inflicting a punishment on the child.

Old School Parenting Is Not "Bad" Or "Wrong" -- But It's Often Ineffective.

The Old School model of parenting is not, in and of itself, a "bad" or "wrong" parenting model. Ninety-nine percent of us were probably raised within that model, and we turned out just fine, thank you!

By the “Old School parenting model” I mean the model that has been around for eons, probably as long as human parenting itself. It consists of a set of time-honored, tried and true principles that include the following: 1) rules; 2) obedience; and 3) punishments.

Old School = Rules + Obedience + Punishments

In the Old School model parents make the rules. There’s nothing inherently bad or wrong about that. When rules are bad or wrong, it’s usually because parental expectations of the developmental needs of their children are unreasonable or misguided, or the rules they set up are in some way unrealistic or inappropriate. In my experience, most parents’ behavioral expectations, as expressed in rules, are quite reasonable and appropriate.

Expecting children to obey rules is not bad or wrong, either. We all live by rules that are established by others in society--the groups, teams, and organizations we belong to--and in families, too. Again, parental expectations regarding their children’s obedience can be unrealistic or too demanding, in which case very strict obedience can be a hindrance to kids’ need to learn by experience and test limits. Like rules, parental expectations for obedience can be unrealistic, but in my experience this is usually not the case.

Parental punishment of children for disobeying rules is not, in itself, bad or wrong either. Negative consequences usually follow upon disobedience, or the breaking of rules, in any society or group. If the punishment does not “fit the crime,” however, it might well be inappropriate, over-determined, and perhaps even abusive. In these instances, punishments could be considered to be wrong or bad. In any event, I recommend against parents using any punishments, because there are better ways to deal with bad behavior.

The Problem

The problem with the Old School model is far more likely to be this: it is too often ineffective. In today’s technologically advanced world, children are so well connected to others outside the four walls of the home that parental influence has been, in all too many cases, greatly diminished. Parents who know only Old School parenting methods (and that’s at least 99% of parents) are hamstrung by savvy, well-connected, and independent-minded children, let alone strong-willed and defiant children. In such cases parents often find that the methods their parents used just don’t work well with their kids.

New School = Agreements + Cooperation + Accountability

Replacing the Old School approach to parenting with the New School approach gives parents an infinitely greater chance to be effective, even with the most recalcitrant children. Why? Because the New School “formula” directly engages children--of all ages--in 1) the establishment of “rules” (agreements) governing behavior and consequences, 2) a much stronger incentive to uphold their own agreements (cooperation), and 3) a much more effective means of learning from their mistakes (accountability). This is what my parenting classes, handouts, website, and articles all aim to teach today’s struggling parents. Be open to these ideas. They are radically different. Experiment with them. I’m convinced that you’ll see noticeable, positive  changes in your children right off the bat.

© 2011 Chuck Adam, Life & Relationship Coach; www.parentchildharmony.com (70+ parenting articles);  chuckadam@sbcglobal.net (email)